This year was a really inspirational year, and I became aware of many organizations and groups and programs and other mothers that share my status as "Mommy of an angel". I have read many blogs and shared facebook posts with several people who share this heartbreak. But in talking to them and reading their stories, I have to wonder, is there something wrong with ME?
I know everyone deals with grief differently. But the mothers I have talked to/read about, they all seem to have died with their children. Many of them stopped functioning for days, weeks, months afterward. Many of them went directly into fighting for a cause or expressing their feelings artistically. Many of them have no "self" without their lost child.
I didn't do any of those things. I didn't seclude myself from family or friends or holidays. I didn't quit my job or stay in bed or cry all the time. I didn't get inspired immediately. I didn't lose myself or fall away from my husband.
I cried. Those first few days were the hardest I have ever been through. But I was on a mission to put the funeral together, so I didn't have time to sit and cry. After the funeral, I went back to my regular schedule of work and taking care of Xavier and going about my life. Yes, certain things did change. Some people were hard to deal with, awkward to be around, but I got past that. It took until this fall for me to get inspired enough to "do something" in Ian's honor.
So why am I so different than these other mothers? Did I love my son less than they love their children? No, I don't think so. Am I just cold and heartless? I really hope not. Am I in some form of denial, and one day all this grief that I don't know is there is going to jump out and smack me in the face and leave me in a helpless puddle on the ground? I really don't know.
What I know is that I loved Ian as much as I knew how and love him more every day. There is not one day that he doesn't cross my mind and that I don't miss him like crazy. And wish I knew what he would be like as he grew up. And there are times, like right now, where just the thought of him makes me cry. And I wish I could just hug him and tell him I love him one last time.
But I don't feel the urge to shut down; I guess it's just not the type of person I am. And everyone deals with things differently I suppose.
