Keeping Up With The Koehls

Is there something wrong with me?

2011-01-07T00:24:00.003-05:00

This year was a really inspirational year, and I became aware of many organizations and groups and programs and other mothers that share my status as "Mommy of an angel". I have read many blogs and shared facebook posts with several people who share this heartbreak. But in talking to them and reading their stories, I have to wonder, is there something wrong with ME?

I know everyone deals with grief differently. But the mothers I have talked to/read about, they all seem to have died with their children. Many of them stopped functioning for days, weeks, months afterward. Many of them went directly into fighting for a cause or expressing their feelings artistically. Many of them have no "self" without their lost child.

I didn't do any of those things. I didn't seclude myself from family or friends or holidays. I didn't quit my job or stay in bed or cry all the time. I didn't get inspired immediately. I didn't lose myself or fall away from my husband.

I cried. Those first few days were the hardest I have ever been through. But I was on a mission to put the funeral together, so I didn't have time to sit and cry. After the funeral, I went back to my regular schedule of work and taking care of Xavier and going about my life. Yes, certain things did change. Some people were hard to deal with, awkward to be around, but I got past that. It took until this fall for me to get inspired enough to "do something" in Ian's honor.

So why am I so different than these other mothers? Did I love my son less than they love their children? No, I don't think so. Am I just cold and heartless? I really hope not. Am I in some form of denial, and one day all this grief that I don't know is there is going to jump out and smack me in the face and leave me in a helpless puddle on the ground? I really don't know.

What I know is that I loved Ian as much as I knew how and love him more every day. There is not one day that he doesn't cross my mind and that I don't miss him like crazy. And wish I knew what he would be like as he grew up. And there are times, like right now, where just the thought of him makes me cry. And I wish I could just hug him and tell him I love him one last time.

But I don't feel the urge to shut down; I guess it's just not the type of person I am. And everyone deals with things differently I suppose.

Favorite Christmas Stories

2010-12-16T08:56:00.002-05:00

Here are two of my favorite Christmas stories of my kids:

Xavier
Christmas of 2004
Our family is attending the Candlelight Memorial Service that was held at the funeral home where we had Ian's service. They have a high school girl leading the group in Silent Night. The room is very quiet as everyone is singing very solemnly. We get to the end of the verse where it says "Christ, our Saviour, is born". Xavier, who is almost 4 says (in a very "four year old" voice - a.k.a LOUDLY) "Hey, that's MY name!"

Emma
Christmas of 2010
Every year we go to see Santa at the Children's Museum. My children are convinced that he is the REAL Santa; all the others at the mall/Wal-mart/etc. are helpers. Don't ask me, it's just what they came up with. So anyway, after seeing Santa, we usually go to see the Circle of Lights downtown. And we have told the kids that Santa (from the Museum) comes downtown to turn on the lights. When you are in the crowd of thousands of people, you don't really get to "see" Santa all that well when you are there. So up until now, this logic has worked out.

Well, this year, it was WAY cold and John is very little and I just don't really want to fight the crowds (because people are RUDE when they are in a crowd. Well, they are!), so we decide to watch the festivities from home. The program is nice, I can tell it was wise not to have been downtown, and all is well. That is, until Santa gets there. He arrives in a truck this year. The cameras zoom in so the TV audience can get a good look at the Jolly Ol' Man. And Emma says, "Mom, I don't think you are right." I respond, "About what?" Emma: "I'm pretty sure that's not the guy I talked to this morning."

I just responded, "Well, Santa must have been so tired from arriving at the museum and seeing all the excited children and eating all the cookies that he must have needed a helper to turn on the lights."

Hope this logic carries us through until she looks at all the pictures of herself with Santa (all taken at the museum, 'cuz THAT'S where we go) and notices he looks a bit different every year, too. :)

Benefits of Walmart

2010-08-29T10:31:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I know some people hate Walmart, think it is the root of all that is evil. But I admit that I love it.

I love the convenience, cost savings, entertainment value. Just about everything really.
I especially love it when you get extra surprises like this:

See this package? (Sorry, it wouldn't upload landscaped, don't know why)
How many biscuits do you get in this package?

Okay, see the baking sheet?

How many biscuits are there?

Yep, I had to count them a time or two to make sure I wasn't crazy.

Guess I just got lucky this time :)

Easy Candy Recipe to Make with Kids

2010-07-07T09:07:00.002-04:00

Okay, so this is totally NOT my own recipe, but I got it from a friend and thought I would share, as it is a GREAT treat to make with your kids:

What you need is 24 oz (1 pkg) white almond bark, 2/3 cup creamy peanut butter (don't use crunchy; it doesn't turn out right), 2 cups rice krispies, 2 cups small marshmallows, 2 cups dry salted peanuts.

Break almond bark up into smaller pieces, and put half into microwave-safe bowl
Microwave for 1 minute to melt
Take out, and stir until melted throughout
Add remaining almond bark, and stir into first portion. Microwave in 30 second intervals and stir in between until completely melted. Be careful not to scorch!
Stir peanut butter into almond bark "soup"
Add krispies, mallows and nuts to peanut butter mixture and mix thoroughly
Drop by spoonful on to wax paper and let cool

Makes about 40 pieces

To Nana

2010-06-15T08:52:00.010-04:00

This is the eulogy I wrote for my Nana:

The words I am about to say were both the easiest and hardest I have ever written. Easiest because honestly, I could stand here for days telling you about my Nana. Hardest because today I have to use the word "was" to tell you about someone who is so much a part of who I am.

Monica Sue McHenry was born on July 29th, 1934. She was the fifth child of Otto Sr. and Ruth McHenry. She married Tommy Hinds on January 22nd, 1954, and their family tree grew one son, three daughters, five grandsons, four granddaughters, three great grandsons and three great granddaughters (so far).

Over the past week, those of us closest to her have spent time looking through pictures and reminiscing and as we prepared for this day, we realized we don't know much about the little details about Nana, things like her favorite song or color, because that was the type of person she was: it was always about the other person with her. She lived in the present and didn't share much about herself, so when she did, you hung onto those stories for dear life.

One of the stories she shared with me was about a meeting she went to as a child with a neighborhood friend. She asked her mother if she could go to this meeting on a Sunday morning with her friend and the friend's father. She got permission and went. When she returned, her mother wanted to know if she had a good time and what they did. Little six year old Monica was so excited about the parade she got to be in where the grown-ups wore long white robes and silly pointed hats. Turns out the meeting was for the KKK and little Monica didn't get to attend any more meetings with her friend.

Even though I don't know much about her childhood, I can tell you all about the thing she was born to be: a Nana.

What is a Nana, you may ask? While I did not give her the name, I spent many Fridays (and Tuesdays, Wednesdays and others thrown in there) over the past 29 years learning what that word means.

Nana is the first person to take care of you when you join her family. Nana buys you your first training bra and teaches you to shave when your mother won't because she thinks you are too young. She makes the best ice cream sundaes, is a miracle worker - she is like Jesus with the loaves and fishes because she can turn two pork chops in to a meal for everyone who stops by unexpectedly. Nana bought the best gifts, made the best forts in the front room, shared the coziest bubble baths, was the best listener, gave the best advice (even if she just let you figure it out for yourself), was NOT the best secret keeper, because everyone could go to Nana. You had to remember that when chatting with her because your mother WOULD find out what you said (but you also got to hear what your mom said about you too).

Nana is the reason my mom and I made it through the pre-teen/teenage years, because her's was the place I could go, when I didn't belong at mom's house. She gave the best hugs and had the most comfortable lap, and I am sure if her little body was able, she could still rock me to sleep today.

She loved unconditionally and would fight for you if she needed to. She was a lover of music and art, especially that done by a three year old.

She was your biggest supporter, your best friend. She was my best friend.

Over that 29 years of Fridays, she taught me many lessons. But three stand out the most.

First, she taught me that you don't have to have anything to have everything. She was not a high school graduate, she didn't have a prestigious career, didn't retire from anywhere. She never owned a car - never even learned to drive. She almost hit a barn and they quit trying to teach her. She didn't own a house, but always lived in a home. She didn't go on fancy trips or have diamonds, jewels or pearls. But what she did have was her family, and she was rarely without a baby in her arms. And that was all she needed to be truly happy.

She taught me that there is always room for family. There was never a time in her adult life where she didn't open her heart and home to extra family. It never mattered how many beds or rooms were available: if you needed a place to be, Nana's was always there.

And she taught me that life isn't fair, but you don't get to give up. Her life was full of hard times. She married a man that needed to be kept in line ALOT, but she loved him to the end. She was diagnosed with cancer and had radical surgeries that changed her life. And when they told her she would never talk again, she spent hours in her bathtub practicing the word hor'dourves to prove them wrong. She survived her parents, her siblings, her husband, several nieces and nephews, her son-in-law and her great grandson. And through it all, she kept a smile on her face.

Over the past two years, and certainly the past five months when her life was the hardest, we watched and prayed and did all we could to help her as she moved from friend to angel.

There are three types of healing: medical, where the doctors give you medicine or perform procedures to heal you; miracle, where God cures you; and spiritual, where you body is no longer able to be fixed, so your soul gets to move on.

My little Emma was by her Nana's side through many of the hardest days, and she has asked me about dying and how you get to Heaven. And I have explained to her that everyone has a special ticket and how you have to wait to get your ticket and it is one-way (when you go to Heaven, you can't come back), and I have explained that your soul is what goes to Heaven, and your soul is made of your happiness and love and that is what gets to be an angel.

And over the past five months, me and God have done a lot of talking. I may not have a traditional relationship with him, but we get through things together. Like my Nana, I have seen a lot of hard times, and after my son's death, a friend gave me the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It was written by a rabbi and talks about how free will is responsible for the things that happen on Earth, and how God is like Nana and just helps you get through those times. That he is the God of everyone, so he doesn't use bad times to punish us. And it says that it is okay to question him and get mad at him and even hate him at times. Because like any relationship, you can't praise him for all the good and not blame him for any of the bad. God's shoulders are big enough to carry your pain, and he loves you enough, like Nana, to be able to handle your anger. Those thoughts have been what have gotten me through my hard times, and certainly the past five months. And as you grieve this loss with me, I hope those words bring you comfort as well.

So now, we must take the lessons Nana's life gave us and carry on. We need to love our family unconditionally and never give up. To cry when we need to, laugh when we can, and love always!

I love you, Nana!

Who Popped My Bubble?

2010-04-07T11:45:00.003-04:00

Okay, so all you dream interpreters out there read this:

Last night I had a dream that I dived (?dove?) into a body of water. I swam all the way to the bottom and when I got there, it was dry, like I was in a bubble. I then laid there and rested on the bottom of the pool/tank/whatever on my belly. It was really peaceful.

But after a while, I decided to move and couldn't get up or move any part of me, like there was all of a sudden tons of pressure pushing down on my entire body. I struggled for a bit and then the "bubble" "popped" and all the water came rushing down towards me. I fought to get up or move without success, and I woke up before the water got to me.

What does it mean?

Hot Mess

2010-03-24T08:02:00.003-04:00

Emma comes downstairs in this outfit as we are headed out to dinner. She stops and says "Pretty much, I'm a Hot Mess today"

Jim is trying to teach her to not use her middle ("bad") finger for pointing and other things. She says "It's not bad if I point it at myself"

She's a riot!

"Bird Flew...

2010-03-24T07:57:00.006-04:00

...into the baby's room", Emma comes downstairs crying. I say "Huh?" I know I couldn't have heard her correctly. I ask where the bird is now, and she says she doesn't know. So I go upstairs, pretty sure there is just a bird flying outside the closed window in John's room. But sure enough, as soon as I get to the top of the stairs, here comes flying out of the baby's room is a little sparrow!

I call Jim because I am not really sure what to do. He wants to go all "PETA" and humane and get the bird out without harm. Blah, blah, blah. My first instinct is to schwack it down with a racket. But then again, I don't want to get hit in the head with a crazy bird or have to get a dead or injured bird out of the house.

Emma decides that she wants to help, so we devise a plan. First, we have to get the baby in a "safe" room. We move him to my room. She gets on the bed with him and tells him not to be afraid.

It just so happens that Muno (Yo Gabba! Gabba!) is singing "Don't Be Afraid" at the very same time. I Swear! I couldn't make this stuff up!

Then Emma and I shut all the doors upstairs except for her's and John's and make a bread trail between the rooms.

We open her window, which proved to be easier said than done, and she came up with the genius idea to get a cage (we don't have one so "this box will work, right Mom?") and keep the damn bird, which she was just 10 minutes ago crying about, as a pet. Yeah, that is a GREAT idea! Anyway...

The bird is pretty happy in the baby's room. He keeps flying into the closet and then around the room and landing on the bed or behind the rocking chair:

Finally, he gets "stuck" in the closet, so I have to coax him out with a broom. Now, don't go call PETA. All I did was shake some clothes around and he flew out and then onto the T.V. in the game room. Awesome!

Well, at least that was enough time to close the baby's door so his only option was down the stairwell (dear God, please don't let him do that!) or out the window in Emma's room. Eventually, he decided the second of the two options was the best, and we all lived Happily Ever After. Especially Emma, who thought it was so cool to have a bird in the house AND get to throw bread on the floor and out the window.

Moral of the story: A bird in the baby's room is worth an afternoon of fun with your four-year old (and a load of crib bedding laundry and vacuuming.)

Hot Mom With Some Relay Action

2010-02-23T22:08:00.010-05:00

This was supposed to be a "Dad" chaperoned field trip. The permission slip was sent home two weeks ago and I asked Jim if he would like to go; he said "Sure!" He hasn't gone to any of Xavier's field trips thus far and a third grade trip to the National Institute of Fitness and Sport sounds perfect for a dad to chaperone, don't you think? I certainly did!
However, two weeks passed, time for the field trip arrived and Jim wasn't able to be off work, so Mom got to go instead (yip...eee :() I am not now, nor have I ever been, athletic or fit. I really despise physical activity, so attending this field trip was only a duty, not a pleasure. I am the zoo/museum/musical mom, NOT a SPORTS mom....
The kids got to do lots of fun things:

Rock Wall climbing (which I did not get any pictures of because Xavier wanted a video of it instead, but that darn thing won't load here. Stupid website!)

Scooter Races

Beachball Volleyball Obstacle Courses and...

RELAY RACES (oh what fun...)

Our group had an odd number of students, so to even up the pairs we needed an adult volunteer. Have I mentioned that I am NOT athletic or physically inclined? AND I just had a c-section 7 weeks ago? Anyway, no other adult volunteered, so I did the good chaperon thing and offered myself. I hope these children understand one day the sacrifices I made for them :)

Here are some pictures of the glorious event:

At first I was paired up with Christopher Breedlove

And here is me, making a WAY stupid face as I try not to fall down doing what the kids called "karaokee". No, I did not fall. Yay me! But for the last race, Xavier wanted to race me. His team was behind, and since I was the last runner, I made sure his team was winning at the end. Hey, he's my kid and I wanted him to win, dang it! (even though I totally could have creamed him.... give me some credit, it was the only time in my life I ever even had a chance at winning a relay race - again, I am NOT athletic! I hated P.E. and wanted to call in sick on Field Day So, in the end, it was a fun day. The kids got to learn about taking care of their bodies, I "almost" won the relay race, and at lunch back at the school, Xavier tore his sandwich in half to share with me since I didn't bring anything for myself. He is such a dear, sweet boy! And I am glad I got to be the substitute for Dad on this one!

My Favorite Valentines Day

2010-02-16T11:11:00.005-05:00

My favorite Valentines Day was celebrated a day late, at a restaurant we always go to and stopping to pick up diapers on the way home to get the kids.

My favorite Valentines gift was nothing more than a letter that said everything I've ever wanted to hear.

My favorite Valentines memory is waking up, still in my pj's, in the arms of the one person who has always had my heart.

My favorite Valentine is you!

I love you more with every breath I take!

Valentine Ornaments and a Pizza: By Us

2010-02-16T10:30:00.003-05:00

Emma and I decided to make Valentines for the family this year. Here are the ingredients and tools we needed:

Here is Emma pouring the (LOTS) of cinnamon on top of the applesauce (who'da thunk cinnamon and applesauce could make dough?)

This is what Emma called the "poop". I'll admit, it did resemble it a bit.

Here she is cutting out our shapes. To be honest, this project wasn't as easy or kid friendly as I had hoped. Or maybe it is that I am TERRIBLE with dough!

Here are all of our shapes, and Emma putting in the string holes.

We baked them for 2 hours. There are no pictures of that. It was lunchtime and that was a little like watching the grass grow... :)

But the next morning, Emma worked on her gift tags.

And here is the finished product! (Ta Da!)

And here are my goofy two posing in front of their (dysfuntional) pizza. Xavier doesn't eat toppings and Emma LOVES sausages.

She's still the princess

2010-01-14T08:58:00.003-05:00

I knew to expect it, and last night my little princess was crying in her bed because she still wants to be the baby.

I had already put her to bed, which included 30 extra "mommy minutes" of playing and laughing. I am very aware that there is a great adjustment going on here, and I want to make sure noone in our house feels replaced or forgotten. AND it was the first time in several months I was actually able to hop on her bed and tickle her and really have fun.

When I left the room, after a million kisses, John Chelsea had started to stir. I went in and started getting him ready for a diaper and bottle. Em heard me and in she came. I let her help a little, but then sent her back to her room because I was getting ready to go downstairs. I poked my head in her room before I headed down, and I saw her wiping her eyes.

I asked what was wrong and she couldn't tell me. So I started asking questions "Are you mad?" (Em: head shake) "Are you sad?" (Em: Nod) "Ok, are you sad because it's bedtime?" (Em: shake) "Are you sad about the baby?" (Em: wipe eyes and nod) Of course, at this time, John Chelsea is starting to get really mad he is not getting his late evening bottle...which makes it hard to tell the four-year old not to hate her brother for needing Mommy's attention while he is screaming in my ear.

So I sit down with her, give her a great big hug and kiss and we talk about it (through the crying baby). I tell her she wasn't really a baby anymore anyway. And now, she is something that she wasn't before: a BIG sister. And I explain to her that the baby will grow up too and won't be little like this forever. Xavier used to be the baby and then she was born and he became the big brother. And I still love him just as much as always. And I tell her that when a baby is growing in a mommy's belly, her heart is growing too, so she will have a enough love for the new baby and noone will have to share. Mommies never run out of love. And besides, she is the only other girl, so she is the only one I have to do great girl stuff like Barbies and Princesses and dresses and pink with. If it weren't for her, I would be the ONLY girl and would be stuck doing all boy stuff (eww!!!). This got a smile.

We had a million more hugs and kisses and "I love you's" and wiped the last few tears away. This has been a hard week for her. Couldn't he have waited until after her birthday to steal her sunshine? I just hope everyone remembers on Saturday that it is HER birthday party - not a "Welcome home, Baby" party.

Love you tons, Gracie Bops!

Not how we planned it

2010-01-07T16:59:00.003-05:00

Okay, so last night got a little exciting. Everything was going along just fine. I decided to do my late evening nap on the couch while Jim watched GSN and his man crush boyfriend Bob Saget on 1 vs. 100. After just a short 20 minute nap, I woke up, jumped off the couch and said "Um, my water just broke." I think Jim thought I was joking until I ran to the bathroom. This was not just a little sprinkle. Oh no, it was a full rupture! Fantastic!

So Jim calls the doctor and it just so happens that Dr. Lupton is the one on call today (btw THANK GOD!) He calls us back about 10 minutes later and tells us to head to the hospital to be checked and get ready for the c-section. At this time, it is about 10:30 and the kids are in bed. We get them up after calling my mom and head out the door.

When we get to the hospital, they get me all checked in and my mom gets there to take the kids back to Nana's house. With all this H1N1 crap, they aren't allowed to stay or even come up to visit later. They determine that I am a "full rupture" and we are all set for the c-section. Except for one thing: there are other people ahead of me, so I have to wait my turn for the OR. What the heck!?! I didn't know L&D was a "take a number" kind of place. LOL

My aunt gets to the hospital and we end up having to wait until 1:15 a.m. to be taken to surgery. I only get some kind of spinal block shot instead of a full epidural with the tubing (and sucky tape on my back). Jim comes in with his ET style jumpsuit on and away we go. It seems like it took forever, but at 1:44 a.m., little John Chelsea Koehl was born! He has a strong set of lungs, tons of hair, and weighs 8 lbs. 6 oz. and is 21 inches long. He has 16 inch shoulders and 3 inch feet (I coulda told you that long before I ever saw him).

The next part is the most awesome part. He is doing great! And he is the only one of our babies who got to stay with us the whole time and never had to go to the NICU. He came back to the room with me, I got to feed him, Aunt Brenda got to hold him, we got lots of pictures. Everything was perfect. I was feeling great and got to enjoy the whole experience.

We are so greatful for everything that we are blessed with and the awesome experience we got to have.

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Eek and Egads and Stuff!

2009-12-29T21:56:00.002-05:00

So now, the time is near. We are at 35 weeks 4 days. I can't believe how quickly it has all gone. This belly of mine has certainly rounded itself out and our little mister makes himself very well known pretty much all the time.

The past few weeks have been pretty boring. Just the NSTs and weekly visits, all which have gone pretty smashingly. I have only gained 19 lbs (okay, well, today it was 21, but I have fluctuated between 19 and 21 the past 5 weeks, so I am going with 19...) My blood pressure looks great, usually about 100/60's. Sugars are what they are. I have had the most trouble in this third trimester of any of my pregnancies, but it is not completely out of whack. I have only had 2 days of swelling - more of that will come after Jack Jack gets here; it always does.

And today, Dr. Lupton gave me the Rx for the Heparin. I turned it in and will start taking it over the weekend or the very beginning of next week. It is a two-a-day shot instead of just one, but really, what is one more shot at this point?

And then I asked THE question: "What happens if I go into labor between now and the 13th?" Dun, dun, dun, duh.... Answer: "We'll deliver you."

What the heck? How can that be? How is it possible that at any time within the next 14 days, I could be having this baby? Is anyone else as NOT ready for that as me? 'Cause I am WAY not ready for that. Am I ready to be able to take a shower without feeling winded? Sure. Am I ready to wear my comfy jeans again? Why not? But am I ready to add another member to this family? Uh... we don't have any receiving blankets or burp cloths!!! How can I be ready for this without receiving blankets or burp cloths? (and my mother says "well, you've still got two weeks" - News flash lady: Apparently, maybe not!)

Really, I am ready. I am just a little freaked out. The surgery, honestly scares the crap out of me. And I know I have been so blessed before to have fantastic little babies, so I am just hoping my luck has not run out. I just have to remember I am not breast feeding, so I CAN take the happy pills if Jack Jack comes out being Damien instead of an angel. (Humor folks, it's all I've got left).

So now, I am off to go pack my bag. I guess I should get it ready because anytime this thing could happen, and the last thing I need is to have to explain to Jim where the travel sized toiletries are. If I get real industrious before the baby gets here, maybe there will be one more baby belly picture to add, but let's not get ahead of ourselves now. :)

January 13th

2009-11-19T12:49:00.004-05:00

Dr. Lupton scheduled the c-section for 8 a.m. on January 13th. That's 7 weeks, 6 days or 55 total days left. I can't believe it is so soon! I really hope we are ready. We still need to finish refinishing the bed and get the room put together. I think we are going to work on getting Xavier's room moved and put together this weekend.

This has been a hard week. There was a big fall-out between my mother-in-law and me, and I am pretty sure I may have "lost" the rest of the family, too. I tried to be as sensitive and delicate about things as I could, but eventually, all things got too extreme and well, there were some things that needed to be said. I tried to say them with compassion and with the love and care I feel for them all, but I am not sure it was as well-received as I had prayed it would be.

Noone has said anything to me about it, but that is the problem for me. Noone has said ANYTHING to me. I am trying to be "bigger" than needing vindication. But some reassurance, kind word, SOMEthing would be nice. Instead, I have been alienated and left alone, and the topic is just being avoided. While I am sure this brought a lot of stuff up that maybe noone wanted to deal with, I hope much healing can come from it. And right now, I am left on the outside, hurting and having to try to heal by myself and learn how my life is going to be with the big hole that is now there, and the new dynamic which is my family. Truth is, this is affecting my marriage, too. And I hope we can be bigger than this.

Let's hope the next few weeks go by much more smoothly.

Song and Dance

2009-11-02T19:07:00.003-05:00

Ok, so after about a million unsuccessful attempts to load this video directly here, I have had to upload it to youtube in order to share it.

This was on Halloween. Papaw brought his guitar and when he played, Emma became the song and dance lady. She was crackin' us up! Looks like she got touched by the Jerry Lee Lewis spirit :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2olXieYukOU

Personal Days

2009-10-29T02:25:00.005-04:00

Hi, my name is Nita. And six years ago, my son died. Of what, you ask? Oh, nothing. He just died because I guess that's what babies do sometimes. And because of that, I am taking a personal day.

What a fuzzy-headed baby boy!

That day changed my life forever. For those of you who haven't yet, and I pray NEVER, go through something like getting a call at work at 10:32 in the morning from your husband that the baby is blue and won't wake up, you will probably say "Well, of course it did. What else could be expected?" But there are things about the death of a child that are so different than losing anyone else in your life.

One of my favorite pictures

On that day, I became a certified member of the "Mothers who've lost their children" Club. And let me tell you, this club, while all the other members are wonderful people and share a bond with you no one else does, EVERY member of this club would give anything to disband and have their tattoos and scars removed and regret every second of the day they got their membership card.

Because once you are a member of this club, you now have "options" when answering the "How many children do you have?" question. See, it's not like when your grandma or aunt or even parent dies. No one asks you that question, so you don't every REALLY have to answer it truthfully. But when your child dies, you have one of three options, and the one picked depends on your level of grief, repair, when you are asked or who is asking. Option 1: Include the child in the count and share your story with the person. This option usually makes you sad and the other person feel uncomfortable and like they have to apologize. Option 2: Include the child in the count but pray the person never asks to see a current family picture (because contrary to Emma's belief, you cannot just turn your camera to the sky and get an updated picture of your baby - Trust me, I've tried). Option 3: Just leave that child out of the count. This is the "easy, but usually makes you sick to your stomach when you choose it" option.

Now that you are a member of this Elite club, your heart breaks every time you hear a story of some other mother who has lost her child. And it is with true sympathy, because you know the pain that comes with this membership. And you know how complicated it is to say the right thing to people when they deal with loss, because you know first-hand how unintentionally offensive and callous people can be when trying to help you heal. People who haven't gone through pain like this, don't realize how hurtful the things they say to make themselves feel better about it can be.

Now that you are a member, you know what it's like to plan a funeral in 3 days and to have to pick a coffin for someone that may only require one person to carry it. And you know all of the discounts that you get on such services because "people don't plan for these things to happen."

My three guys

It is true that there are 5 stages to dealing with death. But what most people don't realize, is they don't necessarily come in order, and you will revisit each step several times. Parts of you cry, parts of you will feel relief, parts of you will feel guilty, parts of you will be angry, parts will be very serious and factual and logical, and parts of you will only find the very macabre and humorous sides of death. And it really just depends on the day, and usually, you don't know what "day" today is. Not until something about the day makes you deal with the wound you now carry.

So today, I am taking a personal day. Not because I will be sad (or angry or laugh), but so I CAN be. I take this day for me.

Rest in Peace, Precious Angel

Darth Vader vs Spider Man

2009-10-28T19:00:00.002-04:00

First to the showdown, was Darth Vader:

Soon to follow, came Spider (Wo)Man

The battle was on!
But in the end, it was Darth Vader who was victorious...
You'll have to try again next time, Spidey!

John Chelsea's First Outfit

2009-09-23T19:49:00.002-04:00

I have made (yes MADE) John Chelsea's first outfit! This will most likely be what he comes home from the hospital in (obviously needing to add a long-sleeved onesie and some pants too).

It was my first attempt at a sweater and dang it, I think it turned out pretty good! I will probably add a few buttons to the front to keep it closed, but that is a simple fix.

Here is Emma. She wanted to "pose" with the new outfit, too.

Here she is just being goofy

She just wants us to remember she is still "the cute one".

Reminds me of the day whe she said "But I'm pwetty!"

John Chelsea it is!

2009-09-20T08:20:00.006-04:00

We got the news on Friday - it's a BOY!!!

Everybody is SO excited - some are sad it's not a girl, but all the people in my house are pleased with the outcome - and since we are the ones that will have to live with this new little growing person, I guess that is what counts. :)

Here are the ultrasound pictures:

This is of the profile, left leg and arm

The arrow pointing to the boy parts
Here is a little foot and toesies!
Here is the "alien" shot with the hand up on his cheek

Little guy was pretty uncooperative, so we almost didn't get the "money shot". He was lying with his back to us, in the fetal position almost the whole time. But when Dr. Evil tried to get her scans done at the end, every time she got his face in the scan, he would turn his head away (hehe).

Everything looked really good. He has all the right parts, in the right amounts and in the correct places. And he weighs 14 oz. This prompted me to ask where the other 11 lbs. are. :) We all know they are sitting in my bra. LOL!

In other funny news, Xavier was talking to me yesterday and he said "you know, it would only take 23 men to make all the women on Earth have a baby". I know this would make most mothers of an 8 year old stop and go "huh?" But my guy seems to be full of interesting facts that he loves to share, so I simply reply "Where did you find that out?" His response is where I had to go "Xsqueeze me?" because what I heard him say was "in my sex dreams". I almost choked on the DQ blizzard I was eating! When I said "um...what was that?", I found out what he really said was "on Animal Planet Extreme". Whew! Holy Crap! I am SOOOOO not ready for that other stuff!

Half-baked with a kick

2009-09-14T16:05:00.003-04:00

I am officially past the 20 week mark! Everything is going great. Friday is my ultrasound with Dr. Evil. Having mixed feelings about that. Not worried about the baby, but just don't want to spend my morning with her. Hopefully, it is a quiet appointment and all is good. I don't think I could handle getting any bad news from her.

Kids are good. We got the fall off to a good start with Xavier's first soccer game Saturday. His team is "Revolution". The kids did a great job. We didn't win, but it seems like everyone had a good time. We also went to the circus last week. They had a great time; Emma loved Tom the clown - he was the Ring Master's side kick/nemesis.

Next on the block, the beginning of popcorn sales and the Taylor Swift concert on the 8th of October. Guess I am just glad we have so much to do so the last half of this pregnancy doesn't drag. :)

The Independence of a Three (Almost Four) Year Old

2009-08-29T11:18:00.010-04:00

As most kids do, Emma has grown substantially since last season (darn kids!) and the summer shorts are just not going to last through an Indiana September-March, so yesterday was her turn for new clothes for the fall/winter.

My first feat was to figure out what size to buy her. She is a skinny-minny, but tall (which is the only reason why she weighs all of 33 lbs at "almost" four). She has always been plagued with needing longer pant legs by time she actually grows into the waist of them (yes, even the adjustable-waist kind). For the record, I have both extremes at my house - Xavier is the COMPLETE opposite.

I do a little on-line research (a.k.a. ask my facebook friends) on what the difference is between a size 4T and a regular little girls' size 4. My hope is that it is length instead of just wanting to allow baby girls to look much older than they EVER need to. I get some words of encouragement and we head to Sears to pick out some outfits. "Why Sears and not my staple Walmart?," you ask? I saw Sears was having quite a sale AND I earned a 15% discount when I bought Xavier's pants there last month.

I learnt from my attempt to buy her clothes last weekend that Emma is no more ready to have to try on clothes than I am for her to need to, thus, the reason why I did the sizing research. I was hoping this would be a quick and simple venture of running through, grabbing cute things all in the same size and leaving. It turned into a little longer experience than I was hoping because she has already decided that Mom has no style and she doesn't like anything I pick up. Again, she is only 3! But after much explaining why I won't buy the $10 t-shirt that comes with a mini-stuffed zebra, here is what we came up with (all for $189 + tax - GO ME!):

2 Three-Piece Outfits

The brown and pink jacket is a pea coat (too cute!) 2 pairs of PJs
A pair of khakis and 3 mix'n'match shirts
2 ADORABLE dresses!and 7 Two-Piece Outfits

I got her to finally try them on at home and when she tries the jeans on, which fit perfectly, she says "These pants are too tight!" I explain to her that she's just not used to pants actually fitting. LOL

After having all of those beautiful outfit choices to pick from, here is what she picks (insert independence here):

Well, at least the clothes fit! :)

Dr. Evil and 125 Days

2009-08-26T18:26:00.005-04:00

I didn't blog about Dr. Evil before because, well, it was painful and stressful and I kind of wanted to move past it, or at least be able to kick it (her) in the butt.

Here's what happened:

At my 14 week appointment, Dr. Lupton (the complete OPPOSITE of Dr. Evil) tells me I need to have an intensive ultrasound around 20 weeks and it is so convenient because there is a doctor in the office that can do this. I say OK and he sends the referral to her. A few days later, I get a call from her nurse saying she wants to do an introduction appointment with me and wants to get me in as soon as possible, that Friday if possible. I think nothing of it and set the appointment. What I have since found out is that Dr. Evil isn't making much money for the practice or hospital, so it is really just a ploy to make money - she is one hell of a carney, let me tell you.

Jim and I go to the appointment, totally ready to possibly be able to get another ultrasound and maybe find out the gender of the baby. That WAY does not happen. The first words out of her mouth to me are "hasn't anyone told you that YOU shouldn't be pregnant?" WTH? First of all, yes - I am the one who almost died from the heart attack and secondly, this pregnancy has been CAKE. Okay, so yes, I am controlling and monitoring a few things, but that is exactly IT - they are CONTROLLED and MONITORED. I proceed to tell her I am aware of the concerns, but there is nothing I can do at this point, so lets just be happy it is going so well (right?).The appointment only gets better from there.

Then she tells me that the blood thinner, which she prescribed for me is not adequate at all; it is merely a profilactic dose. At that point, Jim asks where I should be with it then. Upon other things, she informs him she will answer questions "as appropriate" and then never answers the question. Now, it's not like he asked her who her favorite Spongebob character is. I thought it was a VERY appropriate question. After that, she proceeds to tell me how much she hates the insulin I am on because she "can't control it". I didn't know that was her job - besides it is working perfectly for me, better than it has ever in my life actually. And she tells me the only reason what I am taking is working is because, and I quote "you eat cake and crunch bars". At this point, I know my face just went stupid. I really didn't know what to say but I wasn't going to let this b*+@& get the best of me or see me cry, so I just don't say anything. The funny thing is that I really very rarely eat anything like that, I don't each chocolate or drink coffee or soda (haven't had a carbonated beverage in 5 months) AND I have only gained 7 lbs.

The last thing she does before the appointment is over is listen for the heartbeat. At least that is one good thing that will come from the appointment. I decided I didn't need Dr. Gloom and Doom to stress me out any more, so I told her where Dr. Lupton had found the heartbeat at the appointment the week before - it was a bit higher than he had expected so it took a little longer for him to find it than I would have liked - and I certainly didn't need her to push the tears button any more than what she already was. Obviously, she didn't like someone telling how to do her job, so when she did find the heartbeat, her only statement was that it was good "for now". I have never been so ready to leave the doctor's office ever in my life!

Once we were out of her office, I inform my aunt, who works there, that I will NEVER see that woman again! (Except I have to for the ultrasound in 3 weeks -damn insurance!)

I went to my "maintenance" (that's what I am calling the regular appointments) appointment with Dr. Lupton yesterday. It was a great appointment. I have only gained one pound since my last appointment, so he made sure I wasn't having any trouble eating, which I'm not. (I am sure I will gain like 5 before the next appointment :) ) We measured and listened for the heartbeat: 155 bpm, and my blood pressure and everything is going good. Baby is a little lower in my pelvis right now, which I am totally aware of. My back is hurting, so he thinks there are some little toes pressing against my tailbone (yay! not really). I had my blood drawn for the endocrinologist and my thyroid, liver function, cholesterol (surprise) and all is good. My potassium is a little low, but nothing a banana a day can't fix.

And I decided to talk to him about Dr. Evil, and word of the GREAT appointment had gotten around the office I guess. I told him that I didn't love her and he told me that he had looked into letting me see someone else for the ultrasound, but insurance won't cover it. I did tell him that I think she would be better suited for the morgue, where people don't care how self-righteous you are (yay, personal jab - score one for me!) And we talked about Dr. Evil wanting to double my blood thinner dose. I am already having quite a bit of fun with what I am already on, and I told him I really don't want to die on the table. I hadn't started taking the increased dose yet, and he agreed that I shouldn't (personal jab for Dr. Lupton - go him!). Apparently, she is not only mean, but she is trying to kill me, too. That's just GREAT!!!

So long story long, Dr. Evil SUCKS!!! Dr. Lupton RULES! and all is good in baby land!

<3The End<3

And here's a little bump

2009-08-16T20:01:00.004-04:00

We're at 16 weeks. I just started showing at all about two weeks ago. Here is proof of my rounding-out belly (and yes, huge boobs)

Fun Saturday Out

2009-08-16T19:51:00.004-04:00

The kids I spent a fun day out on Saturday.

First, we met Ronald McDonald (yes, the glass one in Greenwood):

Then we went to the mall to play.

Ta Da! She just jumped off the pink pig

And then we sat at the fountain (Take 1)

Take 2 (This one's a keeper)

First Day of School

2009-08-16T19:37:00.005-04:00

Here are some pictures of Xavier on his first day of third grade (I'm not really sure what is up with his smile - maybe it was sunny?)

We Call Her Taylor Montana

2009-08-16T19:26:00.007-04:00

As I have mentioned, our little Emma LOVES Taylor Swift and Hannah Montana (yes, she is still too little to understand that Miley has a career too). She is positive she is going to be one of them one day, and as you may imagine, can barely contain herself everytime she thinks it is time to go to the Taylor Swift concert (why yes, I am the world's greatest mom, thank you!).
Here is a picture of her with Papaw at her first guitar "lesson"

And here she is on her own (didn't take her very long I tell you!)

Thanks again, to Aunt Jeannie and Logan for passing along the guitar. Let's just hope Santa forgets the drums at the North Pole!

And here's her first music video:

Security? Who needs it?

2009-08-10T20:03:00.002-04:00

So I had a couple of funny "security" (actually the lack thereof) moments this weekend.

The first one was Friday night. The kids and I were at Nana's and she wanted to buy us dinner since she didn't get to see me on my birthday. It's a back and forth thing with her and I on who buys dinner when we go out, so I decided "sure, why not?" We decide on Long John Silvers and I am going to go pick it up. She gives me her bank card and sends me on my way.

When I get there, the guy is checking ID's for any card that is not signed, which just so happens to be the case for me. Woo Hoo! So I order my food, get the total and hand over the card (which is not signed and is not my card...). As expected, the guy asks to see ID. Now at this point, I am starting to get nervous because my name is not Monica Hinds. Heck, even my maiden name was never Hinds. So what am I going to say when he questions me? "You can call my grandma, but she doesn't have a voice box, so I doubt you will be able to understand her." Oh yeah, and the dog ate my homework and my tire blew on the way in to work and any other crazy excuse you can insert here. If he rejects the card, do I pull out my bank card? How crazy will that look? Kind of like the people at the grocery store whose bank card gets denied so they write a check (been there done that, too, so not trying to judge anyone here).

So I hold out my ID, which has my picture, name (Januita L Koehl) and signature on it and I hold my breath, praying I am not going to be called in to the cops. And what does the guy do? He says, "OK" and processes the order! WTH!?! Not that it isn't scary enough that he WASN'T checking the cards that were signed, but this one OBVIOUSLY is not mine. Oh well, dinner was tasty~

Then on Saturday, Mandy and I went to the Brad Paisley concert at Deer Creek (that's right DEER CREEK). Anyway... the guy in front of me gets the complete check-over and has to empty all of his pockets, lift up his pant legs, show the insides of his cigarette packs, the whole deal. Then it's my turn. I am insulin dependent and always carry my insulin, syringes (usually at least one used-one) and my testing supplies with me. This trip, I actually have an entire bag of syringes in my purse. They don't even pat me down at all, and barely look into my purse, which is where all my "paraphernalia" is. And on through the gate they send me - no questions asked.

Now, not that I am complaining or want to be questioned every time I go somewhere with security checks, but come on now! Don't they realize that I could have ANY substance in that insulin vial? I could be one crazy AIDS or hepatitis carrying individual? I guess the cigarettes which could possibly be pot are MUCH more concerning than any of this. This is not the only time this has happened. In fact, I have NEVER been stopped - never at sporting or music events, not even at the airport one month after 9/11. Nope, not even then. Guess it's just a good thing I am not actually as maniacal as my imagination.

Cuarenta Semanas

2009-07-31T21:55:00.002-04:00

I heard the heartbeat! 158 bpm. Still trying to figure out if that is fast or slow. :)

Everything else is GREAT! I have only gained 5 lbs (well, they are saying 6, but they weighed me before I went to the potty this time...). My blood pressure is good (100/60). I finally started showing this week. Sugars are great. I do still need to get an appointment with my endocrinologist; I will call them next week.

I asked about the Heparin and we will be changing to that around 35-36 weeks (right around Christmas). And it won't have any effect on the timing of the c-section, so it looks like little baby Koehl will be here sometime the week of January 15th - 22nd.

That's it for right now. I will write more about the weekly happenings later. Just wanted to update about the baby.

End of the First Trimester, Here We Come!

2009-07-27T22:42:00.002-04:00

3 days is all I have left of Mr. First Trimester. I have definitely been feeling some kicks this past week. Yesterday, I must have been laying just right, because the little "thumps" were up at the top of my belly button for the first time. I was reading on BabyCenter.com and it says that the baby is "now about 3 inches long (about the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs about 1 ounce." That explanation just cracked me up. The image I got was of a little shrimp cocktail glass full of ice with little babies sitting around the edge. WRONG I know, but what can ya do?

I went to the George Strait concert Friday and have to admit I was pretty disappointed. The quality of performance was lacking from both Blake Shelton and George. I'm just hoping Taylor Swift doesn't disappoint in October.

I went to Nichole's baby shower on Saturday. It was a good time. They had blank note cards and envelopes with the numbers 1-20 and then "Graduation Day", "Wedding Day", etc. and had all the guests decorate the cards. I thought that was a great idea. The cupcakes were very tasty and afterwards, I ran to Nichole's and picked up the crib. I can't wait till time gets a little closer and we can start to decorate and set things up.

It was a rough weekend between me and Mom. She has been out of her medicine, of no fault of her's this time, so she is a little off-kilter, and I am just me. Most of the arguments are about how I raise my kids, or the snide remarks she actually makes to my kids about how I am raising them. I am not the type of person to keep my feelings to myself, so it usually ends up in harsh words and tears. All will be fine eventually though.

I signed Xavier up for soccer tonight. It was kind of impromptu, kind of planned. He had been asking to sign up for a while so today when I went to see when sign-ups were, I found out the registration closed this weekend. I talked with the Registrar and she said there were a few more spots open in his age group. I made sure he wanted to PLAY and then went over to fill out the forms and turn in the ($70) check.

I have to get him enrolled in school on Friday (well, pay for book fees that is) and get school clothes. I already picked up most of his school supplies. I just have to pick up kleenex and a zipper pouch. Dang! These kids are expensive!!!

I also bought Emma's Christmas this weekend. Toys R Us was having their Christmas in July sale and just happened to have 30% off what we were wanting to get her. I am worried about how boring Christmas will be this year. I like shopping during the Christmas season. I guess I should just be happy that I am getting it done because I will be 8 months pregnant then and probably won't feel like walking all around a million stores or fighting crowds.

Nana turns 75 Wednesday and Jim turns 30 on Thursday. The next few weeks are full of birthdays for our families. Then we get a little break between then and all the holidays - except, I just filled that hole with soccer games. :)

Friday is the appointment where we set up the appointment for the ultrasound. I am REALLY excited! It is so crazy to think in just 4 weeks, I will know if we will be welcoming a little J.C. or Kat. I am just hoping this lack of appetite and ability to sleep passes soon. I though pregnancy was for cravings and nap time!

Is it wrong I am ready for fall? I have just grown to love all the traditions our family has - football, chili, Waterman's Pumpkin Patch, the GREAT Koehl Thanksgiving dinner... I think we might add the apple orchard to the list this year, too.

87 Days

2009-07-20T10:43:00.003-04:00

... or 12 weeks, 3 days. Almost done with the first trimester. I really can't believe it. I know the "hard" part is still to come, but the beginning has really flown!

I am surprised I am not really showing yet; I always have before with the other kids. Or maybe I just wanted to before, so I probably carried myself differently I guess. Right now, I just look more "fluffy" (that's what I'm calling it). The days where I won't be able to see my shoes are coming soon, so I will just appreciate one more weekend in non-maternity jeans.

Not much change this last week. The only additional fun is a urinary tract infection I came down with yesterday (woo hoo!). It progressively got worse all afternoon as my in-laws were over to help Jim with the patio, so after everyone left, I called the on-call doctor to ask if there was something I could take OTC or if I should go into the prompt care. He offered to call me in a prescription instead. That was nice. My regular pharmacy is only open until 5 on Sundays so I had to get the number for the CVS across from the hospital.

I waited some time and went to pick up the prescription. I double-checked that it was okay to take with my other meds, since they don't have them in their system and didn't want to risk a drug interaction, AND I checked to make sure it was okay to take while pregnant. All was okay, until I got home and read the directions and drug information.

Hold the boat... This stuff specifically says it is for a bladder infection and should only be taken if deemed very necessary while pregnant because it can cause a blood disorder in the baby. WTH! I don't have a bladder infection (or so I thought) and I am already taking a blood thinner that I am not sure how it will affect the baby's blood, so I don't really think it is wise to take this medication. Maybe the doctor misunderstood my symptoms. I know I shouldn't be so untrusting, but MD does not stand for "Mighty and Devine". Accidents happen. Misunderstandings are the reason for malpractice insurance. I decided to overload on H2O and a little bit of tylenol until the morning when I can talk to my doctor.

I called him today and everything is fine (now I feel stupid because UTIs and bladder infections are kinda the same thing - and because I didn't take the drug last night, I could be one dose closer to a little relief) URGH!

I did have a bit of a craving yesterday. While waiting for the prescription to be filled, I wanted something chewy and sweet. Not crunchy, not melty. Not chocolate or fruity. Just sweet and chewy. So I found a little package of mini Cow Tales. They hit the spot! (Yummy!) :)

Xavier went to scout camp last week and LOVED it! I am so proud of him. He did the zip line and monkey bridge and a bunch of other stuff (I) would have never tried. They had great weather and most of his den was there too, so it was a good experience and I am sure he and Jim will go next year too.

Emma and I went to see Hannah Montana: The Movie Friday night. It was so cute. Yes, hokey, but sweet. Emma sang throughout the entire movie and she was on Cloud 9 because Hannah AND Taylor Swift were in the same movie. What more could a 3 year old girl ask for (oh, yah, we had popcorn and malted milkballs for dinner). :) Everybody needs a junk day like that every once in a while.

All in all, it was a good week - and thanks to family, we are much closer to having the patio finished.

In their shoes...

2009-07-14T22:15:00.002-04:00

Today I "heard" (read really) a comment about disagreeing with someone's treatment of their kids. And it brought to mind a lesson I learned a while ago: don't ever assume you know what someone is going through.

I learned this lesson the day after Ian died. We had just gone to to the funeral home to discuss the arrangements and write the obituary for our 8 month old son. We stopped by the Best Buy to get a CD of The Music Man for his memorial DVD. When we got to the check out, I am sure I looked ragged and weathered - from 24 hours of tears, terror and heart ache. And I am sure the girl at the counter thought she was being helpful when she said "Cheer up! It can't be that bad!" because who really buys a Carol Channing musical CD because their kid just died, right? I didn't have the heart to tell her "Oh, you don't know how bad it can be."

That got me thinking today, when the comment was made about how disgusting it was that a mother cussed at her 3 year old and "drug" her down the stairs by her arm, who are you (we/me) to judge? Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think child abuse is acceptable in any circumstance! However, shouldn't we think of that mother and what she may be going through? Maybe she just lost her job, or got evicted from her home, had the power shut off, just got terrible news about a family member, or has just been doing this job, by herself, for the last 3 years. Maybe she has spent the last 20 minutes patiently coaxing that (possibly) strong-willed child down the hall and is late for an appointment with CPS where they are threatening to take the child away.

These aren't extreme circumstances. These are things that happen in real life, to real people, just trying to get by. And because some stranger sees the 10 seconds of your life where you just can't be Carol Brady anymore, suddenly, you are a terrible person, an abusive parent. Maybe, instead of "shame! shame"ing the mother, we could ask her if she needs some help.

I believe in being an advocate for children in a crisis situation, but sometimes, don't you think we need to be an advocate for parents that are trying to assert some authority over their kids? Sometimes, it does take a "Damn it!" to get the message across. And sometimes, it takes a firm grip and leading someone down/up a stair case to get where we need to go.

There was a situation with my three year old a few months ago where she became terrified of everything in public and refused to leave my side. She was being very clingy and wouldn't even go to the restroom out in public if someone else was in there. She is also very dramatic ("very" being the understatement of the decade!) so there was always some type of loud emotional breakdown. After many episodes of dealing with this and trying to encourage her, at dinner one night, my older son had offered to take her to the restroom at the Wendy's. He was even going to take her to the girls bathroom. But as they approached the door, another customer came out of the men's facility. She stopped dead in her tracks, started crying hysterically (yes, she does even pass out and hyperventilate sometimes) and refused to go to the potty (even though she was starting to turn jaundice from having to go so badly). And I couldn't get her to stop crying either. So I said, "if you don't stop crying, I am going to send you home with a stranger."

Now, let's be reasonable - do you really think I would send my child home with a stranger? And with her acting like that, do you think anyone would really take her anyway? (just kidding).

But the wife of the gentleman who scared her, decided to tell me that it was inappropriate for me to threaten my children like that and I should be ashamed of myself. Now, this woman was not at the movies earlier where my daughter decided to wander off as I stood in line for popcorn and then freaked out because she couldn't find me, even though I hadn't even moved one step and I could actually still reach out and touch her. Nor had she been there any of the rest of the times where my daughter almost pulled my pants down because she was clinging so tightly to me - out of fear of nothing. It took everything I had not to tell the woman, if she wasn't careful, she was going to be the "stranger" I sent my daughter home with.

Defend kids when they need it. There are kids who are treated worse than anyone deserves to be treated. But have some compassion for struggling parents, trying to make it work, who may just be having a bad day. Remember, you don't know how they feel, until you walk a mile in their shoes.

This week was quiet

2009-07-13T20:24:00.002-04:00

I'm a little over 11 weeks now and after the fun of last week's appointment, I am happy to say this was a quiet week. Like with most pregnancies at 11 weeks, most of the "symptoms" have died down (ok, not my huge boobs or over-emotionalness, but everything else).

It was a fun week. A friend had her baby (Yay, Chrystal and Baby Ben) and my sister-in-law announced that she is expecting, too. She is about 6 weeks behind me, but God help her! She is 40, her oldest just graduated high school and still has 5 at home!!! But she is a great mother and this is really happy news for her family (and the rest of us). :) It was going to be lonely being the only one in the family and my friends who is pregnant, so I am glad to share it with her.

Also, we had a little medical scare with Emma. She fought stomache cramps and vomitting most of the week and so I took her to the doctor Friday afternoon. We ended up checking her sugar at the appointment because apparently, flu symptoms are a sign of diabetes in small kids. It was a little more elevated that it should have been, and since she has family history, I checked her fasting sugar Saturday morning. It was 95, perfect, so the scare was short-lived (thank GOD!). I check both of the kids' fasting numbers every 6-8 months, just to make sure we are on where we need to be, but it would break my heart if the results were ever leaning towards diabetes. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.

I just got some sad news that the pet of one of my other sisters-in-law is showing signs of aging and may be getting very sick. That breaks my heart! I remember how devastating it was when we had to put Charlie down; there will never be another dog like Charlie - or Malcolm (or Ariel either). Pets are so much love when they are with us, but they all seem to live us too soon!

I'm on my way to 12 weeks. I hope after I get to 13 weeks, I can finally really relax and enjoy parts of my life I have been missing out on lately. I know - lucky 13? I have always been a little off, as anyone who knows me can tell you. After all, I got married on October 13th at the Gatlin Gun Club! :)

Oh, in other swell news, my friend, Nichole, offered us a baby bed and mattress! That was really kind of her and a real answer to prayers. We don't have anything other than a pack 'n' play and an umbrella stroller, so we are going to have to replace everything. We did start a registry. Not that I am going to share where with anyone, but it was a way for me to show Jim things I like.

Xavier started scout camp this week and already got to shoot BB guns and go canoeing. Emma has learned to love "writing" (aka tracing letters in her preschool book). Jim just seems tired all the time (but I love him SO much! I couldn't do this without him!). And the patio is set to get worked on this weekend.

Let's just see how the rest of the week goes...

To a well-trained eye...

2009-07-06T21:36:00.003-04:00

.... there is a little alien in these pictures.

I am 10 weeks 3 days today. I went to my doctor appointment this morning. All looks good, but as expected, he tried to use the doppler to find the heart beat and wasn't able to. Yes, I was going to ask him not to, but I thought "maybe if I can hear something, it will make me feel better." Instead, he couldn't hear anything, decided to send us to ultrasound and I spent some time crying in the waiting room, as I prepared myself for having a DNC tomorrow and getting my tubes tied. God LOVE my husband - who, instead of telling me I was overreacting, just put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder. He was there last time when that little lifeless fetus appeared on the screen and I had to confirm there was no heartbeat. So he knows, I am not just freaking out for no reason.

But today, our little mars man (or woman) had a strong heartbeat (170 BPM) and is developing right on track. I tried to figure out if the heartbeat was a little quick to see if I could get an early guess on what we are having, but the sonographer said they are all about 160-180 at this point (just my luck, right in the middle).

We go back for our next appointment on July 31st. Nothing big will happen at this one, but we will schedule the "normal" ultrasound. That is the one where you can possibly find out what you are having. And that should be around the 28th of August. I just can't believe how quickly it is going.

And it is not going to slow down anytime soon. We have something big happening every month from now until January. Xavier has scout camp next week and then school camp the last two weeks of July (and Jim's birthday). My birthday is the beginning of August, Xavier starts school and scouts start back. And I have a concert to go to. September we are going to see the circus and popcorn sales start. October is the Taylor Swift concert and then Halloween. Thanksgiving is next, then Christmas and in about 3 weeks after that, Emma's birthday and the baby. Holy Moley! It is going to be a fun ride! (right?)

And I am ready for the fireworks to be over... got it neighbors?

Almost to 10 weeks

2009-06-29T22:09:00.003-04:00

I am officially 9 weeks 3 days. Our little peanut is actually about the size of a peanut shell now. ;)

All in all, I am still feeling pretty good. June was a hard month overall, what with all the scouting drama and some stress from work and money (who doesn't have that?) and the car, but we did get some good things accomplished.

We bought some pavers to put a patio together. It would be just our luck that the one week in 3 years we want to use our tiller, our BIL and SIL loaned it to one of Jim's other siblings. LOL. Guess the pavers will just have to stay a while longer on the driveway, plastic-wrapped and on the pallets.

I go to my next appointment on Monday, July 6th. I will be 10 weeks 3 days then. Dr. Lupton may want to try to do the doppler to see if he can hear the heartbeat, but I have decided to ask him not to at this appointment. This will be a really critical week for me. And since I know that it will probably be too early to really hear anything, I would rather just wait, rather than have a chance of what happened with my last pregnancy. They tried for over 15 minutes to find the heartbeat at my 10 week check and were unsuccessful. However, at the intensive ultrasound we had done two weeks later, I was in miscarriage and development had stopped at 10 weeks. I know that "not knowing" doesn't change the truth, but waiting until a better time, does alleviate any unnecessary stress. And good lord knows, I don't need any more of that.

I am excited this is a short week! I have dones a really good job of keeping on top of things at work and encouraging my attorneys to get their work turned in, so I don't really have much concern about being swamped by too much. Hopefully, I will be able to help the others on my team this month.

We have a ton of stuff planned for this weekend. Carolyn said something about getting Jonah's pictures done on Friday. Not sure if she plans on having Duane go. But if not, I may see if she wants me and the kids to go with her. Then Saturday we are going to my dad's in Muncie for a cookout. It should be nice. We don't get invited up there very often and he spends many holidays at different casinos with my step-mom, so it will be nice to spend it with him. Sunday is my mom's family reunion. We have it on the west side at one of our cousin's houses. They have a small in-ground pool and a nice yard. The kids have a good time and the adults usually break out some cards for euchre. Ahhh, euchre! What would a cookout be without it? Unfortunately, Jim has to work all weekend, so he is going to miss out on most of the fun times. At least he got to go this Saturday to the Gwd fireworks with us. It was kind of strange. Every year we usually see at least one person we know. This year, we knew of several people going and didn't see anyone there.

Oh... I went to the NKOTB concert last night. It was great! As great as the one in Chicago. I have to say my favorite part was when they honored MJ. I have to admit, the 'boys' are still H.O.T.T. - hott! My mom, sister and cousin Whisper went with me. We were able to upgrade to pavillion seats for $10, which I am glad we did. Mandy and Whisper were a riot! All in all it was a great night. The show was good, the weather couldn't have been better and traffic getting out of the joint was not bad at all. Hope we are as lucky at the George Strait show the end of July.

Guess that is about all for now. I will update more next week after my appointment. Have a great week!

RIP MJ!

'Twas a good day

2009-06-21T22:20:00.003-04:00

Today was Father's Day. I hope Jim had a good time. He got to sleep in until 11, but I had to get him up then to find out what he wanted to do. Everything that was going on was happening around one or two this afternoon, so we really did need to get a move-on.

We all got dressed and ended up heading to the Menard's. We took Matt (the kids' Godfather/cousin) his father's day card and then placed our order for pavers for the patio we are going to put together. This was Jim's father's day gift. Well, that, and I let him pay to have them delivered instead of having to try to load/unload them. :)

After that, we headed to Famous Dave's BBQ to have a late lunch with my dad, stepmom and sister. The wait was a bit long (45 minutes), but the food was good and service was great. The kids tried bread pudding for the first time and they both LOVED it. It's one of my dad's favorites, too.

Then we headed to my sister-in-law's. Everyone else was gone by time we got there, but we had a nice visit. Xavier and Logan played in the sprinkler for a while and then came in to play some video games while they dried off. Emma entertained us with "ABC's" and "Twinkle Twinkle" on Logan's guitar. It is kind of strange, but she knew exactly how to hold it and was very comfortable with it. Looks like we will be getting some guitar lessons soon too. And since Logan doesn't ever play it, Aunt Jeanie told Emma she could have it. Well, that made her day!

Finally we headed home for the evening. Mom was right behind us and we played some Rummy while the kids played outside and then watched some T.V. until bedtime. Speaking of that, it is almost time for me to do the same. Until next time...

8 weeks - for real

2009-06-20T10:02:00.002-04:00

Well, I have made it to 8 weeks. I know for some that doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but with my last two pregnancies ending at 10 weeks, every day is a good day.

Apparently God wants me to fully experience this pregnancy. I have never had morning sickness before, but got to experience it for one whole day this week -NOT FUN!

My sugars are crazy as usual. I actually wasn't able to keep it up at all on Wednesday. It was a really rough day. I felt like crap, and as expected, had trouble keeping it in range the next day.

I am REALLY emotional right now. There have been some other stressors in my life, but it seems like I am abe to tear-up at the drop of a hat. Especially from reading all the blogs of my friends that are having and/or raising kids this year. While I don't want to wish this pregnancy away, just knowing it will all be alright would be so comforting.

Jim's paycheck finally got on the right swing of things this month. The past few months have been really difficult and upsetting. We have had trouble since February when his entire company got screwed by the former owner. Now we are finally "right". It feels nice to be able to pay bills on time and be able to take the kids to McDonald's some times without feeling guilty all the time and afraid to check the bank account.

We just signed Xavier up for a summer camp through school. It is an ISTEP readiness thing. He starts third grade this yearand they have to take the ISTEP at the very beginning of the year. Hopefully he will have fun and it will help keep his skills up for the test.

It is so crazy how fast time goes!

January it is

2009-06-10T15:26:00.004-04:00

There it is, our little peanut! I am 6 weeks, 5 days along. My due date is January 29, 2009. That means I found out at 3 weeks. I REALLY don't understand how women don't know they are pregnant. My body freaks out and says "Intruder!"

Here is the development level: It all happens so quickly, and during these two weeks, a lot will happen in the growth of your baby. The heart begins to beat, brain and nervous system begin to grow rapidly, and arms and legs begin to grow. Facial features, including eyes, also start to form as early as the 6th and 7th week.

There was a little scare at first because they weren't able to see much, so we had to have an internal ultrasound; these are the funnest things ever - I swear! I tried to calm myself saying that it could just be that I am not far enough along, but honestly, my heart was ready to break in two. Once they were able to see, everything did appear to be good, and I wasn't as far as they thought. Heartbeat was at 121 bpm and I was able to see little arm and leg buds (I've seen way too many ultrasounds in my day, can you tell?)

Right now we are just greatful for every day and I am trying to remember to just be positive and that worrying doesn't fix anything.

Snake Escape

2009-06-10T15:08:00.002-04:00

Last night I found a couple of coupons for free Dilly Bars from DQ for the kids, so I thought it would be nice to get some ice cream and go to the park after dinner. We were originally going to visit the one at Main St and 31 in Greenwood and then off to West Park, but remembered last time we were at that DQ, they didn't take debit cards, and since Mom and Dad wanted ice cream too, and we are not cash-carrying folks, we went to the one at Southport and Madison instead.

After finishing our tasty treats, we headed to West Park. This is a nice park. Nicely wooded, good playground, lots of room to run. All will be good, right?

After parking the car, we head to the main enterance and there, right under the sign that says "All dogs in the park must be leashed at all times. Owners will be fined" is a computer-printed sign that says "Lost Python". WTH!!! Jim tries to cover the sign so I won't see it, but he is TOO late. I stop dead in my tracks and scream "Unlock the car NOW!!!" I actually had to say it twice - I don't think he believed me the first time. Back to the car I go, and I sit there, with my feet in the seat, doors locked and wait for him and the kids to get done playing. All the while, I am praying this "lost pet" isn't hiding in the swirl slide or trying to sliter into my car's exhaust. And while I am on the lookout, I am also praying I don't see it, because if I do, I will probably die right there.

Now really! What DA/DB brings a snake to a park where families are trying to have fun in the first place? In addition to being irresponsible enough to lose the dang thing? If cute little "Fluffy" has to be on a leash at all times, shouldn't the Spawn of Satan also? The darn thing was probably pregnant, too, so there are going to be little people killers ALL OVER Greenwood now! My vote is that the owner be arrested and beaten to a pulp, and then fined for all the money he has.

Goodbye, Greenwood. It was nice knowing you!

We might get a December baby afterall

2009-06-08T17:08:00.002-04:00

The doctor appointment went well today. I didn't sleep at all last night. Woke up at 3:45 and didn't get back to sleep until 6 - had to be up at 7 to get ready for the appointment, which was at 8:30.

When we got there, we met with the Benefits Coordinator (a.k.a my aunt and the kids' godmother). She was cracking me up by going over the "normal" schpeal (sp?) like she didn't know us.

We were early, so we actually got into the appointment a little early. Everything went well. Emma stayed with me during the "exam". I thought it was important that she sees Mommy go through it and sees that it is okay and kind of knows what to expect. Granted, she is only 3, but the more comfortable you are with healthcare, the better you will be about taking care of yourself and doing regular check-ups. Anyway...

Dr. Lupton says everything looks like I am about 8 1/2 weeks, so that means a January 14th due date. We will find out for certain on Wednesday when I go for the ultrasound. With everything that is going on, it is really important to have an accurate due date. We will have to change my Lovenox to Heparin at some point and I will be a scheduled c-section. I asked about going natural, but he said it is not recommended.

That is abut it for now. I will post more after Wednesday's ultrasound.

On our way to 6 weeks...

2009-06-06T16:03:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened the last couple of weeks.

We shared the news with our family and friends. As expected, we were met with mixed emotions, but I think everyone will come around eventually.

I have set up my first doctor appointment - it is Monday morning. But I have been working with the high risk medical assistant already. I had to apologize to the OB interview girl when she took my medical history. There is a lot to talk about. What can I say? I am an exciting girl! :)

My sugars have been pretty controlled. I haven't had one over 170 in the past two weeks (and yes, I am checking regularly, thank you!) As is normal for me during pregnancy, I do have some crashes overnight, but have found love for fruit punch glucose tabs. They really seem to work and work quicky - which keeps me from the "binge" eating I feel inclined to do at 2 a.m. when my sugar has dropped to 40 and I will do anything to feel better.

The weight gain has calmed a bit it seems (a.k.a. I haven't outgrown my fat jeans yet). And I am going on almost a month without soda! Surprising to me that I haven't had any withdrawl symptoms. I haven't even really wanted any soda - except when we go to the Blockbuster - I know - totally random.

This is going to be a "fun" pregnancy, I can tell. I have had a craving for barbeque bacon cheeseburgers. I have found that a Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and some barbeque sauce quell the craving, so I may treat myself once a week.

Also, I got to start Lovenox shots last night. It is an anticoagulant they want me to take to keep from having a blood clot like last time. This means I am taking 5 shots a day now (1 insulin with every meal, one insulin at bedtime and now this). I think I will get a shirt that says "Just call me Pincushion." Not to mention all the finger pricks for the 4+ checks I do. I admit, I was really freaked out about taking the first shot last night. I had heard it burns and the needle is a little bigger (grown-up) than my insulin syringes. Then I couldn't figure out how to get the cap off. Thank goodness Carolyn was on the phone with me. It did burn, but not as bad as I expected. The afterburn was a surprise though. And this one didn't knot up or bruise. I know those days are coming though. Just pray I can "Service with a Smile" the whole pregnancy - it's gonna be a long 32 weeks.

The kids seem to be pretty excited about the baby. We have already started talking about names. It's just a thing Jim and I do. Both the kids like "Olivia". It will be John Chelsea if it is a boy. Named after both our dads (and my grandpa).

Speaking of the kids, they are growing up too fast. Xavier is on his way to the third grade. He is a Bear Cub in Cubscouts. He has a great group of friends, mostly from Scouts. And he is taking violin lessons. He started out really strong, but with school and scouts and the end of the year and I am just no good at remembering to make him practice, his progress has slowed. The good thing is the stuff he is being taught he is actually learning and understanding and able to use.

Emma is 3 1/2, and is full of piss and vinegar! I don't know what we will do if we have another one like her. Maybe we will get a reality show. She is so funny and crazy! She is psycho about rather normal things, but isn't afraid of what she should be. If she wants to do something, there is no stopping her. And if you tell her she will get hurt, she won't believe you, even after she gets hurt. She will just try whatever she was doing another way to prove it can be done. God love her!

I guess that is all for now. I will post again after our appointment Monday. I am hoping I will have some ultrasound pictures to share.

Until then...

Day 1, part 2

2009-05-25T23:24:00.002-04:00

Well, we told our families today. We were going to wait, but Emma let the cat out of the bag for us, so when one person found out, we had to share it with everyone. We are having another baby. We are due late December/early January. It was unexpected news, but we are happy and excited none-the-less.

We hope everyone who has part in our lives will decide to share the same feelings we are having. We know there are risks, we know there is danger, but we also know that babies are ALWAYS blessings and miracles. Someone desparately needs to be part of our family, and Jim and I are excited beyond belief to welcome them in.

By the way, Jim is the most WONDERFUL husband a girl could ever dream of! He is caring and supportive and shows me every day how much he loves me and how lucky I am to have him in my life (I just hope I remember all of this when my feet swell, and my weight goes up and it is hard to breathe when climbing the stairs of our home) LOL.

I call to get an OB referral tomorrow, so we will be finding out when we go to our first appointment some time this week. I will keep you informed.

Day 1

2009-05-25T06:12:00.001-04:00

So, I decided to try blogging...

I'm not really sure anyone cares what I have to say or that I have anything too spectacular to share.

I guess that's not really true. We just found out some pretty BIG news this weekend. We aren't ready to share it with the world just yet. We have to check some things out and make sure everthing is in order first. If it all works out though, it will change everything for us.

That's all for now. We will keep you updated as things progress.

And thanks for all the prayers and love sent our way - we are going to need it, I think.