Personal Days

Hi, my name is Nita. And six years ago, my son died. Of what, you ask? Oh, nothing. He just died because I guess that's what babies do sometimes. And because of that, I am taking a personal day.

What a fuzzy-headed baby boy!

That day changed my life forever. For those of you who haven't yet, and I pray NEVER, go through something like getting a call at work at 10:32 in the morning from your husband that the baby is blue and won't wake up, you will probably say "Well, of course it did. What else could be expected?" But there are things about the death of a child that are so different than losing anyone else in your life.

One of my favorite pictures

On that day, I became a certified member of the "Mothers who've lost their children" Club. And let me tell you, this club, while all the other members are wonderful people and share a bond with you no one else does, EVERY member of this club would give anything to disband and have their tattoos and scars removed and regret every second of the day they got their membership card.

Because once you are a member of this club, you now have "options" when answering the "How many children do you have?" question. See, it's not like when your grandma or aunt or even parent dies. No one asks you that question, so you don't every REALLY have to answer it truthfully. But when your child dies, you have one of three options, and the one picked depends on your level of grief, repair, when you are asked or who is asking. Option 1: Include the child in the count and share your story with the person. This option usually makes you sad and the other person feel uncomfortable and like they have to apologize. Option 2: Include the child in the count but pray the person never asks to see a current family picture (because contrary to Emma's belief, you cannot just turn your camera to the sky and get an updated picture of your baby - Trust me, I've tried). Option 3: Just leave that child out of the count. This is the "easy, but usually makes you sick to your stomach when you choose it" option.

Now that you are a member of this Elite club, your heart breaks every time you hear a story of some other mother who has lost her child. And it is with true sympathy, because you know the pain that comes with this membership. And you know how complicated it is to say the right thing to people when they deal with loss, because you know first-hand how unintentionally offensive and callous people can be when trying to help you heal. People who haven't gone through pain like this, don't realize how hurtful the things they say to make themselves feel better about it can be.

Now that you are a member, you know what it's like to plan a funeral in 3 days and to have to pick a coffin for someone that may only require one person to carry it. And you know all of the discounts that you get on such services because "people don't plan for these things to happen."

My three guys

It is true that there are 5 stages to dealing with death. But what most people don't realize, is they don't necessarily come in order, and you will revisit each step several times. Parts of you cry, parts of you will feel relief, parts of you will feel guilty, parts of you will be angry, parts will be very serious and factual and logical, and parts of you will only find the very macabre and humorous sides of death. And it really just depends on the day, and usually, you don't know what "day" today is. Not until something about the day makes you deal with the wound you now carry.

So today, I am taking a personal day. Not because I will be sad (or angry or laugh), but so I CAN be. I take this day for me.

Rest in Peace, Precious Angel

Darth Vader vs Spider Man

First to the showdown, was Darth Vader:

Soon to follow, came Spider (Wo)Man

The battle was on!
But in the end, it was Darth Vader who was victorious...
You'll have to try again next time, Spidey!

John Chelsea's First Outfit

I have made (yes MADE) John Chelsea's first outfit! This will most likely be what he comes home from the hospital in (obviously needing to add a long-sleeved onesie and some pants too).

It was my first attempt at a sweater and dang it, I think it turned out pretty good! I will probably add a few buttons to the front to keep it closed, but that is a simple fix.

Here is Emma. She wanted to "pose" with the new outfit, too.

Here she is just being goofy

She just wants us to remember she is still "the cute one".

Reminds me of the day whe she said "But I'm pwetty!"

John Chelsea it is!

We got the news on Friday - it's a BOY!!!


Everybody is SO excited - some are sad it's not a girl, but all the people in my house are pleased with the outcome - and since we are the ones that will have to live with this new little growing person, I guess that is what counts. :)


Here are the ultrasound pictures:

This is of the profile, left leg and arm

The arrow pointing to the boy parts
Here is a little foot and toesies!
Here is the "alien" shot with the hand up on his cheek

Little guy was pretty uncooperative, so we almost didn't get the "money shot". He was lying with his back to us, in the fetal position almost the whole time. But when Dr. Evil tried to get her scans done at the end, every time she got his face in the scan, he would turn his head away (hehe).

Everything looked really good. He has all the right parts, in the right amounts and in the correct places. And he weighs 14 oz. This prompted me to ask where the other 11 lbs. are. :) We all know they are sitting in my bra. LOL!

In other funny news, Xavier was talking to me yesterday and he said "you know, it would only take 23 men to make all the women on Earth have a baby". I know this would make most mothers of an 8 year old stop and go "huh?" But my guy seems to be full of interesting facts that he loves to share, so I simply reply "Where did you find that out?" His response is where I had to go "Xsqueeze me?" because what I heard him say was "in my sex dreams". I almost choked on the DQ blizzard I was eating! When I said "um...what was that?", I found out what he really said was "on Animal Planet Extreme". Whew! Holy Crap! I am SOOOOO not ready for that other stuff!

Half-baked with a kick

I am officially past the 20 week mark! Everything is going great. Friday is my ultrasound with Dr. Evil. Having mixed feelings about that. Not worried about the baby, but just don't want to spend my morning with her. Hopefully, it is a quiet appointment and all is good. I don't think I could handle getting any bad news from her.

Kids are good. We got the fall off to a good start with Xavier's first soccer game Saturday. His team is "Revolution". The kids did a great job. We didn't win, but it seems like everyone had a good time. We also went to the circus last week. They had a great time; Emma loved Tom the clown - he was the Ring Master's side kick/nemesis.

Next on the block, the beginning of popcorn sales and the Taylor Swift concert on the 8th of October. Guess I am just glad we have so much to do so the last half of this pregnancy doesn't drag. :)

The Independence of a Three (Almost Four) Year Old

As most kids do, Emma has grown substantially since last season (darn kids!) and the summer shorts are just not going to last through an Indiana September-March, so yesterday was her turn for new clothes for the fall/winter.

My first feat was to figure out what size to buy her. She is a skinny-minny, but tall (which is the only reason why she weighs all of 33 lbs at "almost" four). She has always been plagued with needing longer pant legs by time she actually grows into the waist of them (yes, even the adjustable-waist kind). For the record, I have both extremes at my house - Xavier is the COMPLETE opposite.

I do a little on-line research (a.k.a. ask my facebook friends) on what the difference is between a size 4T and a regular little girls' size 4. My hope is that it is length instead of just wanting to allow baby girls to look much older than they EVER need to. I get some words of encouragement and we head to Sears to pick out some outfits. "Why Sears and not my staple Walmart?," you ask? I saw Sears was having quite a sale AND I earned a 15% discount when I bought Xavier's pants there last month.

I learnt from my attempt to buy her clothes last weekend that Emma is no more ready to have to try on clothes than I am for her to need to, thus, the reason why I did the sizing research. I was hoping this would be a quick and simple venture of running through, grabbing cute things all in the same size and leaving. It turned into a little longer experience than I was hoping because she has already decided that Mom has no style and she doesn't like anything I pick up. Again, she is only 3! But after much explaining why I won't buy the $10 t-shirt that comes with a mini-stuffed zebra, here is what we came up with (all for $189 + tax - GO ME!):

2 Three-Piece Outfits

The brown and pink jacket is a pea coat (too cute!) 2 pairs of PJs
A pair of khakis and 3 mix'n'match shirts
2 ADORABLE dresses!and 7 Two-Piece Outfits

I got her to finally try them on at home and when she tries the jeans on, which fit perfectly, she says "These pants are too tight!" I explain to her that she's just not used to pants actually fitting. LOL

After having all of those beautiful outfit choices to pick from, here is what she picks (insert independence here):

Well, at least the clothes fit! :)

Dr. Evil and 125 Days

I didn't blog about Dr. Evil before because, well, it was painful and stressful and I kind of wanted to move past it, or at least be able to kick it (her) in the butt.

Here's what happened:

At my 14 week appointment, Dr. Lupton (the complete OPPOSITE of Dr. Evil) tells me I need to have an intensive ultrasound around 20 weeks and it is so convenient because there is a doctor in the office that can do this. I say OK and he sends the referral to her. A few days later, I get a call from her nurse saying she wants to do an introduction appointment with me and wants to get me in as soon as possible, that Friday if possible. I think nothing of it and set the appointment. What I have since found out is that Dr. Evil isn't making much money for the practice or hospital, so it is really just a ploy to make money - she is one hell of a carney, let me tell you.

Jim and I go to the appointment, totally ready to possibly be able to get another ultrasound and maybe find out the gender of the baby. That WAY does not happen. The first words out of her mouth to me are "hasn't anyone told you that YOU shouldn't be pregnant?" WTH? First of all, yes - I am the one who almost died from the heart attack and secondly, this pregnancy has been CAKE. Okay, so yes, I am controlling and monitoring a few things, but that is exactly IT - they are CONTROLLED and MONITORED. I proceed to tell her I am aware of the concerns, but there is nothing I can do at this point, so lets just be happy it is going so well (right?).The appointment only gets better from there.

Then she tells me that the blood thinner, which she prescribed for me is not adequate at all; it is merely a profilactic dose. At that point, Jim asks where I should be with it then. Upon other things, she informs him she will answer questions "as appropriate" and then never answers the question. Now, it's not like he asked her who her favorite Spongebob character is. I thought it was a VERY appropriate question. After that, she proceeds to tell me how much she hates the insulin I am on because she "can't control it". I didn't know that was her job - besides it is working perfectly for me, better than it has ever in my life actually. And she tells me the only reason what I am taking is working is because, and I quote "you eat cake and crunch bars". At this point, I know my face just went stupid. I really didn't know what to say but I wasn't going to let this b*+@& get the best of me or see me cry, so I just don't say anything. The funny thing is that I really very rarely eat anything like that, I don't each chocolate or drink coffee or soda (haven't had a carbonated beverage in 5 months) AND I have only gained 7 lbs.

The last thing she does before the appointment is over is listen for the heartbeat. At least that is one good thing that will come from the appointment. I decided I didn't need Dr. Gloom and Doom to stress me out any more, so I told her where Dr. Lupton had found the heartbeat at the appointment the week before - it was a bit higher than he had expected so it took a little longer for him to find it than I would have liked - and I certainly didn't need her to push the tears button any more than what she already was. Obviously, she didn't like someone telling how to do her job, so when she did find the heartbeat, her only statement was that it was good "for now". I have never been so ready to leave the doctor's office ever in my life!

Once we were out of her office, I inform my aunt, who works there, that I will NEVER see that woman again! (Except I have to for the ultrasound in 3 weeks -damn insurance!)

I went to my "maintenance" (that's what I am calling the regular appointments) appointment with Dr. Lupton yesterday. It was a great appointment. I have only gained one pound since my last appointment, so he made sure I wasn't having any trouble eating, which I'm not. (I am sure I will gain like 5 before the next appointment :) ) We measured and listened for the heartbeat: 155 bpm, and my blood pressure and everything is going good. Baby is a little lower in my pelvis right now, which I am totally aware of. My back is hurting, so he thinks there are some little toes pressing against my tailbone (yay! not really). I had my blood drawn for the endocrinologist and my thyroid, liver function, cholesterol (surprise) and all is good. My potassium is a little low, but nothing a banana a day can't fix.

And I decided to talk to him about Dr. Evil, and word of the GREAT appointment had gotten around the office I guess. I told him that I didn't love her and he told me that he had looked into letting me see someone else for the ultrasound, but insurance won't cover it. I did tell him that I think she would be better suited for the morgue, where people don't care how self-righteous you are (yay, personal jab - score one for me!) And we talked about Dr. Evil wanting to double my blood thinner dose. I am already having quite a bit of fun with what I am already on, and I told him I really don't want to die on the table. I hadn't started taking the increased dose yet, and he agreed that I shouldn't (personal jab for Dr. Lupton - go him!). Apparently, she is not only mean, but she is trying to kill me, too. That's just GREAT!!!

So long story long, Dr. Evil SUCKS!!! Dr. Lupton RULES! and all is good in baby land!

<3The End<3