January 13th

Dr. Lupton scheduled the c-section for 8 a.m. on January 13th. That's 7 weeks, 6 days or 55 total days left. I can't believe it is so soon! I really hope we are ready. We still need to finish refinishing the bed and get the room put together. I think we are going to work on getting Xavier's room moved and put together this weekend.

This has been a hard week. There was a big fall-out between my mother-in-law and me, and I am pretty sure I may have "lost" the rest of the family, too. I tried to be as sensitive and delicate about things as I could, but eventually, all things got too extreme and well, there were some things that needed to be said. I tried to say them with compassion and with the love and care I feel for them all, but I am not sure it was as well-received as I had prayed it would be.

Noone has said anything to me about it, but that is the problem for me. Noone has said ANYTHING to me. I am trying to be "bigger" than needing vindication. But some reassurance, kind word, SOMEthing would be nice. Instead, I have been alienated and left alone, and the topic is just being avoided. While I am sure this brought a lot of stuff up that maybe noone wanted to deal with, I hope much healing can come from it. And right now, I am left on the outside, hurting and having to try to heal by myself and learn how my life is going to be with the big hole that is now there, and the new dynamic which is my family. Truth is, this is affecting my marriage, too. And I hope we can be bigger than this.

Let's hope the next few weeks go by much more smoothly.

Song and Dance

Ok, so after about a million unsuccessful attempts to load this video directly here, I have had to upload it to youtube in order to share it.

This was on Halloween. Papaw brought his guitar and when he played, Emma became the song and dance lady. She was crackin' us up! Looks like she got touched by the Jerry Lee Lewis spirit :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2olXieYukOU

Personal Days

Hi, my name is Nita. And six years ago, my son died. Of what, you ask? Oh, nothing. He just died because I guess that's what babies do sometimes. And because of that, I am taking a personal day.

What a fuzzy-headed baby boy!

That day changed my life forever. For those of you who haven't yet, and I pray NEVER, go through something like getting a call at work at 10:32 in the morning from your husband that the baby is blue and won't wake up, you will probably say "Well, of course it did. What else could be expected?" But there are things about the death of a child that are so different than losing anyone else in your life.

One of my favorite pictures

On that day, I became a certified member of the "Mothers who've lost their children" Club. And let me tell you, this club, while all the other members are wonderful people and share a bond with you no one else does, EVERY member of this club would give anything to disband and have their tattoos and scars removed and regret every second of the day they got their membership card.

Because once you are a member of this club, you now have "options" when answering the "How many children do you have?" question. See, it's not like when your grandma or aunt or even parent dies. No one asks you that question, so you don't every REALLY have to answer it truthfully. But when your child dies, you have one of three options, and the one picked depends on your level of grief, repair, when you are asked or who is asking. Option 1: Include the child in the count and share your story with the person. This option usually makes you sad and the other person feel uncomfortable and like they have to apologize. Option 2: Include the child in the count but pray the person never asks to see a current family picture (because contrary to Emma's belief, you cannot just turn your camera to the sky and get an updated picture of your baby - Trust me, I've tried). Option 3: Just leave that child out of the count. This is the "easy, but usually makes you sick to your stomach when you choose it" option.

Now that you are a member of this Elite club, your heart breaks every time you hear a story of some other mother who has lost her child. And it is with true sympathy, because you know the pain that comes with this membership. And you know how complicated it is to say the right thing to people when they deal with loss, because you know first-hand how unintentionally offensive and callous people can be when trying to help you heal. People who haven't gone through pain like this, don't realize how hurtful the things they say to make themselves feel better about it can be.

Now that you are a member, you know what it's like to plan a funeral in 3 days and to have to pick a coffin for someone that may only require one person to carry it. And you know all of the discounts that you get on such services because "people don't plan for these things to happen."

My three guys

It is true that there are 5 stages to dealing with death. But what most people don't realize, is they don't necessarily come in order, and you will revisit each step several times. Parts of you cry, parts of you will feel relief, parts of you will feel guilty, parts of you will be angry, parts will be very serious and factual and logical, and parts of you will only find the very macabre and humorous sides of death. And it really just depends on the day, and usually, you don't know what "day" today is. Not until something about the day makes you deal with the wound you now carry.

So today, I am taking a personal day. Not because I will be sad (or angry or laugh), but so I CAN be. I take this day for me.

Rest in Peace, Precious Angel

Darth Vader vs Spider Man

First to the showdown, was Darth Vader:

Soon to follow, came Spider (Wo)Man

The battle was on!
But in the end, it was Darth Vader who was victorious...
You'll have to try again next time, Spidey!

John Chelsea's First Outfit

I have made (yes MADE) John Chelsea's first outfit! This will most likely be what he comes home from the hospital in (obviously needing to add a long-sleeved onesie and some pants too).

It was my first attempt at a sweater and dang it, I think it turned out pretty good! I will probably add a few buttons to the front to keep it closed, but that is a simple fix.

Here is Emma. She wanted to "pose" with the new outfit, too.

Here she is just being goofy

She just wants us to remember she is still "the cute one".

Reminds me of the day whe she said "But I'm pwetty!"

John Chelsea it is!

We got the news on Friday - it's a BOY!!!


Everybody is SO excited - some are sad it's not a girl, but all the people in my house are pleased with the outcome - and since we are the ones that will have to live with this new little growing person, I guess that is what counts. :)


Here are the ultrasound pictures:

This is of the profile, left leg and arm

The arrow pointing to the boy parts
Here is a little foot and toesies!
Here is the "alien" shot with the hand up on his cheek

Little guy was pretty uncooperative, so we almost didn't get the "money shot". He was lying with his back to us, in the fetal position almost the whole time. But when Dr. Evil tried to get her scans done at the end, every time she got his face in the scan, he would turn his head away (hehe).

Everything looked really good. He has all the right parts, in the right amounts and in the correct places. And he weighs 14 oz. This prompted me to ask where the other 11 lbs. are. :) We all know they are sitting in my bra. LOL!

In other funny news, Xavier was talking to me yesterday and he said "you know, it would only take 23 men to make all the women on Earth have a baby". I know this would make most mothers of an 8 year old stop and go "huh?" But my guy seems to be full of interesting facts that he loves to share, so I simply reply "Where did you find that out?" His response is where I had to go "Xsqueeze me?" because what I heard him say was "in my sex dreams". I almost choked on the DQ blizzard I was eating! When I said "um...what was that?", I found out what he really said was "on Animal Planet Extreme". Whew! Holy Crap! I am SOOOOO not ready for that other stuff!

Half-baked with a kick

I am officially past the 20 week mark! Everything is going great. Friday is my ultrasound with Dr. Evil. Having mixed feelings about that. Not worried about the baby, but just don't want to spend my morning with her. Hopefully, it is a quiet appointment and all is good. I don't think I could handle getting any bad news from her.

Kids are good. We got the fall off to a good start with Xavier's first soccer game Saturday. His team is "Revolution". The kids did a great job. We didn't win, but it seems like everyone had a good time. We also went to the circus last week. They had a great time; Emma loved Tom the clown - he was the Ring Master's side kick/nemesis.

Next on the block, the beginning of popcorn sales and the Taylor Swift concert on the 8th of October. Guess I am just glad we have so much to do so the last half of this pregnancy doesn't drag. :)