She's still the princess

I knew to expect it, and last night my little princess was crying in her bed because she still wants to be the baby.

I had already put her to bed, which included 30 extra "mommy minutes" of playing and laughing. I am very aware that there is a great adjustment going on here, and I want to make sure noone in our house feels replaced or forgotten. AND it was the first time in several months I was actually able to hop on her bed and tickle her and really have fun.

When I left the room, after a million kisses, John Chelsea had started to stir. I went in and started getting him ready for a diaper and bottle. Em heard me and in she came. I let her help a little, but then sent her back to her room because I was getting ready to go downstairs. I poked my head in her room before I headed down, and I saw her wiping her eyes.

I asked what was wrong and she couldn't tell me. So I started asking questions "Are you mad?" (Em: head shake) "Are you sad?" (Em: Nod) "Ok, are you sad because it's bedtime?" (Em: shake) "Are you sad about the baby?" (Em: wipe eyes and nod) Of course, at this time, John Chelsea is starting to get really mad he is not getting his late evening bottle...which makes it hard to tell the four-year old not to hate her brother for needing Mommy's attention while he is screaming in my ear.

So I sit down with her, give her a great big hug and kiss and we talk about it (through the crying baby). I tell her she wasn't really a baby anymore anyway. And now, she is something that she wasn't before: a BIG sister. And I explain to her that the baby will grow up too and won't be little like this forever. Xavier used to be the baby and then she was born and he became the big brother. And I still love him just as much as always. And I tell her that when a baby is growing in a mommy's belly, her heart is growing too, so she will have a enough love for the new baby and noone will have to share. Mommies never run out of love. And besides, she is the only other girl, so she is the only one I have to do great girl stuff like Barbies and Princesses and dresses and pink with. If it weren't for her, I would be the ONLY girl and would be stuck doing all boy stuff (eww!!!). This got a smile.

We had a million more hugs and kisses and "I love you's" and wiped the last few tears away. This has been a hard week for her. Couldn't he have waited until after her birthday to steal her sunshine? I just hope everyone remembers on Saturday that it is HER birthday party - not a "Welcome home, Baby" party.

Love you tons, Gracie Bops!

Not how we planned it

Okay, so last night got a little exciting. Everything was going along just fine. I decided to do my late evening nap on the couch while Jim watched GSN and his man crush boyfriend Bob Saget on 1 vs. 100. After just a short 20 minute nap, I woke up, jumped off the couch and said "Um, my water just broke." I think Jim thought I was joking until I ran to the bathroom. This was not just a little sprinkle. Oh no, it was a full rupture! Fantastic!

So Jim calls the doctor and it just so happens that Dr. Lupton is the one on call today (btw THANK GOD!) He calls us back about 10 minutes later and tells us to head to the hospital to be checked and get ready for the c-section. At this time, it is about 10:30 and the kids are in bed. We get them up after calling my mom and head out the door.

When we get to the hospital, they get me all checked in and my mom gets there to take the kids back to Nana's house. With all this H1N1 crap, they aren't allowed to stay or even come up to visit later. They determine that I am a "full rupture" and we are all set for the c-section. Except for one thing: there are other people ahead of me, so I have to wait my turn for the OR. What the heck!?! I didn't know L&D was a "take a number" kind of place. LOL

My aunt gets to the hospital and we end up having to wait until 1:15 a.m. to be taken to surgery. I only get some kind of spinal block shot instead of a full epidural with the tubing (and sucky tape on my back). Jim comes in with his ET style jumpsuit on and away we go. It seems like it took forever, but at 1:44 a.m., little John Chelsea Koehl was born! He has a strong set of lungs, tons of hair, and weighs 8 lbs. 6 oz. and is 21 inches long. He has 16 inch shoulders and 3 inch feet (I coulda told you that long before I ever saw him).

The next part is the most awesome part. He is doing great! And he is the only one of our babies who got to stay with us the whole time and never had to go to the NICU. He came back to the room with me, I got to feed him, Aunt Brenda got to hold him, we got lots of pictures. Everything was perfect. I was feeling great and got to enjoy the whole experience.

We are so greatful for everything that we are blessed with and the awesome experience we got to have.

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Eek and Egads and Stuff!

So now, the time is near. We are at 35 weeks 4 days. I can't believe how quickly it has all gone. This belly of mine has certainly rounded itself out and our little mister makes himself very well known pretty much all the time.

The past few weeks have been pretty boring. Just the NSTs and weekly visits, all which have gone pretty smashingly. I have only gained 19 lbs (okay, well, today it was 21, but I have fluctuated between 19 and 21 the past 5 weeks, so I am going with 19...) My blood pressure looks great, usually about 100/60's. Sugars are what they are. I have had the most trouble in this third trimester of any of my pregnancies, but it is not completely out of whack. I have only had 2 days of swelling - more of that will come after Jack Jack gets here; it always does.

And today, Dr. Lupton gave me the Rx for the Heparin. I turned it in and will start taking it over the weekend or the very beginning of next week. It is a two-a-day shot instead of just one, but really, what is one more shot at this point?

And then I asked THE question: "What happens if I go into labor between now and the 13th?" Dun, dun, dun, duh.... Answer: "We'll deliver you."

What the heck? How can that be? How is it possible that at any time within the next 14 days, I could be having this baby? Is anyone else as NOT ready for that as me? 'Cause I am WAY not ready for that. Am I ready to be able to take a shower without feeling winded? Sure. Am I ready to wear my comfy jeans again? Why not? But am I ready to add another member to this family? Uh... we don't have any receiving blankets or burp cloths!!! How can I be ready for this without receiving blankets or burp cloths? (and my mother says "well, you've still got two weeks" - News flash lady: Apparently, maybe not!)

Really, I am ready. I am just a little freaked out. The surgery, honestly scares the crap out of me. And I know I have been so blessed before to have fantastic little babies, so I am just hoping my luck has not run out. I just have to remember I am not breast feeding, so I CAN take the happy pills if Jack Jack comes out being Damien instead of an angel. (Humor folks, it's all I've got left).

So now, I am off to go pack my bag. I guess I should get it ready because anytime this thing could happen, and the last thing I need is to have to explain to Jim where the travel sized toiletries are. If I get real industrious before the baby gets here, maybe there will be one more baby belly picture to add, but let's not get ahead of ourselves now. :)

January 13th

Dr. Lupton scheduled the c-section for 8 a.m. on January 13th. That's 7 weeks, 6 days or 55 total days left. I can't believe it is so soon! I really hope we are ready. We still need to finish refinishing the bed and get the room put together. I think we are going to work on getting Xavier's room moved and put together this weekend.

This has been a hard week. There was a big fall-out between my mother-in-law and me, and I am pretty sure I may have "lost" the rest of the family, too. I tried to be as sensitive and delicate about things as I could, but eventually, all things got too extreme and well, there were some things that needed to be said. I tried to say them with compassion and with the love and care I feel for them all, but I am not sure it was as well-received as I had prayed it would be.

Noone has said anything to me about it, but that is the problem for me. Noone has said ANYTHING to me. I am trying to be "bigger" than needing vindication. But some reassurance, kind word, SOMEthing would be nice. Instead, I have been alienated and left alone, and the topic is just being avoided. While I am sure this brought a lot of stuff up that maybe noone wanted to deal with, I hope much healing can come from it. And right now, I am left on the outside, hurting and having to try to heal by myself and learn how my life is going to be with the big hole that is now there, and the new dynamic which is my family. Truth is, this is affecting my marriage, too. And I hope we can be bigger than this.

Let's hope the next few weeks go by much more smoothly.

Song and Dance

Ok, so after about a million unsuccessful attempts to load this video directly here, I have had to upload it to youtube in order to share it.

This was on Halloween. Papaw brought his guitar and when he played, Emma became the song and dance lady. She was crackin' us up! Looks like she got touched by the Jerry Lee Lewis spirit :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2olXieYukOU

Personal Days

Hi, my name is Nita. And six years ago, my son died. Of what, you ask? Oh, nothing. He just died because I guess that's what babies do sometimes. And because of that, I am taking a personal day.

What a fuzzy-headed baby boy!

That day changed my life forever. For those of you who haven't yet, and I pray NEVER, go through something like getting a call at work at 10:32 in the morning from your husband that the baby is blue and won't wake up, you will probably say "Well, of course it did. What else could be expected?" But there are things about the death of a child that are so different than losing anyone else in your life.

One of my favorite pictures

On that day, I became a certified member of the "Mothers who've lost their children" Club. And let me tell you, this club, while all the other members are wonderful people and share a bond with you no one else does, EVERY member of this club would give anything to disband and have their tattoos and scars removed and regret every second of the day they got their membership card.

Because once you are a member of this club, you now have "options" when answering the "How many children do you have?" question. See, it's not like when your grandma or aunt or even parent dies. No one asks you that question, so you don't every REALLY have to answer it truthfully. But when your child dies, you have one of three options, and the one picked depends on your level of grief, repair, when you are asked or who is asking. Option 1: Include the child in the count and share your story with the person. This option usually makes you sad and the other person feel uncomfortable and like they have to apologize. Option 2: Include the child in the count but pray the person never asks to see a current family picture (because contrary to Emma's belief, you cannot just turn your camera to the sky and get an updated picture of your baby - Trust me, I've tried). Option 3: Just leave that child out of the count. This is the "easy, but usually makes you sick to your stomach when you choose it" option.

Now that you are a member of this Elite club, your heart breaks every time you hear a story of some other mother who has lost her child. And it is with true sympathy, because you know the pain that comes with this membership. And you know how complicated it is to say the right thing to people when they deal with loss, because you know first-hand how unintentionally offensive and callous people can be when trying to help you heal. People who haven't gone through pain like this, don't realize how hurtful the things they say to make themselves feel better about it can be.

Now that you are a member, you know what it's like to plan a funeral in 3 days and to have to pick a coffin for someone that may only require one person to carry it. And you know all of the discounts that you get on such services because "people don't plan for these things to happen."

My three guys

It is true that there are 5 stages to dealing with death. But what most people don't realize, is they don't necessarily come in order, and you will revisit each step several times. Parts of you cry, parts of you will feel relief, parts of you will feel guilty, parts of you will be angry, parts will be very serious and factual and logical, and parts of you will only find the very macabre and humorous sides of death. And it really just depends on the day, and usually, you don't know what "day" today is. Not until something about the day makes you deal with the wound you now carry.

So today, I am taking a personal day. Not because I will be sad (or angry or laugh), but so I CAN be. I take this day for me.

Rest in Peace, Precious Angel

Darth Vader vs Spider Man

First to the showdown, was Darth Vader:

Soon to follow, came Spider (Wo)Man

The battle was on!
But in the end, it was Darth Vader who was victorious...
You'll have to try again next time, Spidey!