A few weeks ago, I blogged what I called "Not a very nice post." In that post I shared some personal information about what a very trying and difficult year 2015 had been for me. I warned closed-minded and judgmental people not to read it, asked that I not be given advice, and said quite frankly that I just really needed a friend to share with.
Well, what happened was I got some very kind words of support from some great people, most people didn't read it and therefore, still don't know my story, and some people read it and chose to judge me, gave me unsolicited and unwanted advice, and caused me to doubt myself and eventually delete that post.
After making some unexpected changes in my life, like deleting my facebook account and changing churches, this is what I have decided: Phooey on "those" people!
"Those" people told me that I need to be careful what I share, that people need to earn the right to hear my story. Phooey on them, I say!
"Those" people told me that I was too broken to be of any use to anyone else because I have real problems and real emotions. Phooey, phooey, phooey!
"Those" people told me that I am not in a place to be of service to God in their church until I seek professional help because I asked for a friend. You guessed it: P.H.O.O.E.Y.!!!
"Those" people said that one day I might be surprised that God may use this to help someone else. I'm honestly running out of "phooey" here - stick with me on this one.
This is what I have to say to "those" people.
Shame on you! My story is my testimony. True, right now it may be a testimony in the works, but it is a testimony all the same. While my faith in people continues to dwindle because of all the "phooeyness" that people create, my faith in my SAVIOR grows stronger every day. And it is because of this that MY story deserves to be told and heard and shared.
And for "those" people who believe I am too broken to be any good for anyone or to be of service to God, just know this - I am EXACTLY as broken as I am supposed to be. I might be caught in the muck and mire from time to time, but that is where God finds his soldiers. He didn't come to heal the righteous, he didn't come to call the qualified. He came to save the sinners and qualify the called. And if the only people the church is looking to use are those who have no issues in their lives, who have it all figured out, who are never stressed or need a friend, or never post their feelings on social media, well then, maybe that is the problem with the church: they are looking for perfection, when it only can be found in Christ.
And to "those" people who said that I may be surprised to find that God may use this part of my life "one day".... Let me tell you this! I am all too familiar with how God can use the pain in your life to help others. In fall 2003, my infant son died. Every day of my life since then, God has been using that part of my life to connect and help others. So I am very aware of how God works in this way. But the truth is, God doesn't have to wait until I am all fixed and better and "cleaned up" to use this part of my life. He can and IS using me right now, whether I am good enough for you or not. All he needs is for me to be willing and obedient. And he has as much of that as he needs.
So, to "those" people, phooey! You may have shaken my faith in the building of the church and in the people who attend, but you have not rattled my faith in my Heavenly Father at all.
To the rest of you, this is who I am. I am a Type I diabetic who struggles with taking care of myself. I am a mother who struggles with being overwhelmed by the everyday demands of life and often makes mistakes with my kids. My husband was unfaithful to our marriage last year, and we are currently in counseling, because although Jesus allows for divorce in this situation (Matthew 19), he COMMANDS that we love and forgive (the whole Bible) - and we choose to follow his commands. I am a daughter who does not love like I should. I am a woman who needs friends in her life. And I am a sinner, who needs God's forgiveness and grace every single day.
In the words of Steven Curtis Chapman,
And God’s says
I’m gonna turn it into something different
I’m gonna turn it into something good
I’m gonna take all the broken pieces
And make something beautiful like only I could
So put it all in the hands of the Father
Give it up, give it all over to
The only one who can turn it into
Something beautiful
Something really beautiful
Something Beautiful
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