In their shoes...

Today I "heard" (read really) a comment about disagreeing with someone's treatment of their kids. And it brought to mind a lesson I learned a while ago: don't ever assume you know what someone is going through.

I learned this lesson the day after Ian died. We had just gone to to the funeral home to discuss the arrangements and write the obituary for our 8 month old son. We stopped by the Best Buy to get a CD of The Music Man for his memorial DVD. When we got to the check out, I am sure I looked ragged and weathered - from 24 hours of tears, terror and heart ache. And I am sure the girl at the counter thought she was being helpful when she said "Cheer up! It can't be that bad!" because who really buys a Carol Channing musical CD because their kid just died, right? I didn't have the heart to tell her "Oh, you don't know how bad it can be."

That got me thinking today, when the comment was made about how disgusting it was that a mother cussed at her 3 year old and "drug" her down the stairs by her arm, who are you (we/me) to judge? Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think child abuse is acceptable in any circumstance! However, shouldn't we think of that mother and what she may be going through? Maybe she just lost her job, or got evicted from her home, had the power shut off, just got terrible news about a family member, or has just been doing this job, by herself, for the last 3 years. Maybe she has spent the last 20 minutes patiently coaxing that (possibly) strong-willed child down the hall and is late for an appointment with CPS where they are threatening to take the child away.

These aren't extreme circumstances. These are things that happen in real life, to real people, just trying to get by. And because some stranger sees the 10 seconds of your life where you just can't be Carol Brady anymore, suddenly, you are a terrible person, an abusive parent. Maybe, instead of "shame! shame"ing the mother, we could ask her if she needs some help.

I believe in being an advocate for children in a crisis situation, but sometimes, don't you think we need to be an advocate for parents that are trying to assert some authority over their kids? Sometimes, it does take a "Damn it!" to get the message across. And sometimes, it takes a firm grip and leading someone down/up a stair case to get where we need to go.

There was a situation with my three year old a few months ago where she became terrified of everything in public and refused to leave my side. She was being very clingy and wouldn't even go to the restroom out in public if someone else was in there. She is also very dramatic ("very" being the understatement of the decade!) so there was always some type of loud emotional breakdown. After many episodes of dealing with this and trying to encourage her, at dinner one night, my older son had offered to take her to the restroom at the Wendy's. He was even going to take her to the girls bathroom. But as they approached the door, another customer came out of the men's facility. She stopped dead in her tracks, started crying hysterically (yes, she does even pass out and hyperventilate sometimes) and refused to go to the potty (even though she was starting to turn jaundice from having to go so badly). And I couldn't get her to stop crying either. So I said, "if you don't stop crying, I am going to send you home with a stranger."

Now, let's be reasonable - do you really think I would send my child home with a stranger? And with her acting like that, do you think anyone would really take her anyway? (just kidding).

But the wife of the gentleman who scared her, decided to tell me that it was inappropriate for me to threaten my children like that and I should be ashamed of myself. Now, this woman was not at the movies earlier where my daughter decided to wander off as I stood in line for popcorn and then freaked out because she couldn't find me, even though I hadn't even moved one step and I could actually still reach out and touch her. Nor had she been there any of the rest of the times where my daughter almost pulled my pants down because she was clinging so tightly to me - out of fear of nothing. It took everything I had not to tell the woman, if she wasn't careful, she was going to be the "stranger" I sent my daughter home with.

Defend kids when they need it. There are kids who are treated worse than anyone deserves to be treated. But have some compassion for struggling parents, trying to make it work, who may just be having a bad day. Remember, you don't know how they feel, until you walk a mile in their shoes.